I am two faced.
I don’t mean that the way you think I do… well actually I
hope you think… “What? No way, not you Aubrey, your one of the nicest people I know!”
(wink, wink Manners J
)
I mean that I am two people right
now and I have to be to survive this crazy journey that is infertility. I am sure people facing other life altering
struggles have a similar experience.
I am a “warrior woman”, as my
sister-in-law has so lovingly deemed me.
I truly am. There are days that I
am standing on the edge of a cliff, wind blowing through my hair, sword drawn,
ready to take on the world. (Also ready to kick infertility’s ass!) I am strong
and brave. I am positively hopeful. I am
full of courage! I have the eye of a tiger, a fighter, dancing through the
fire… oops caught me. (Katy Perry just has a beautiful way with words. ) I am powerful and I have no fear of the
diagnosis, of the outcome of all of those pee sticks. It matters not to me how many battles I
fight, or what enemy I may face that day.
God is on my side. He is for me and guiding me toward my incredible
future. It’s a future I know is worth fighting for. He is my strength and I am unbeatable.
I am also on days, or in moments,
a hot dang mess. I am weak, tear stained,
mascara streaked and swollen eyed. I am
broken hearted, scared out of my mind and unsure. I am sad to the point that my entire being
just aches. Breathing hurts. Can you
even imagine such a thing? The world, the day, just a moment can seem impossibly
hard and unbearably painful. I know most of my posts are positive, but don't think for a second it didn't take a boat load of tears and endless prayer to find the good in the hurt.
I am both of these people at any
given time. Both the warrior and the
mess are living within me. I don’t see
this as a burden. (Which, let’s face it, would be easy. Polar opposite people living in me
simultaneously? Lock me up in the nuthouse now and throw away the key for your
own personal safety!) No, it’s not a burden.
It’s a complete necessity and the most bizarre of blessings, but a
blessing nonetheless.
My warrior calls upon God’s
strength. She keeps me whole and
positive and moving toward the future. The mess helps remind me that I do
indeed need that strength. I am not
strong enough by myself and I don’t have to be because I am not in this alone. God is for me.I am not perfect (Shocker, I
know J )
I am perfectly imperfect. I am
everything I need to be right now. I am
crazy happy and crazy sad. I am crazy strong and crazy weak. I am crazy hopeful and crazy scared… I am all
of these things all at the same time. (My
husband would probably just say I am plain crazy sometimes, and quite frankly I
am that as well.) and dammit, it’s ok!
This is one of the most valuable lessons I have learned through this experience. It’s ok to be yourself, the good
and the bad. I am absolutely comfortable giving into whatever emotion needs to
take the reins at any given time. Granted some of these times have been rather
uncomfortable, inopportune and just plain unfortunate (Remember the Walmart and
SAMS debacles), but I know that allowing yourself to feel how you need to feel
is how you survive this or anything hard.
You feel it, you accept it, you move forward. You survive another breath, another moment, another
day.
There will come a point that you are able to
look back on your struggles and see that they were all necessary and that
surviving them was just a part of the plan.
You are living the most beautiful of stories, created especially for you
… your life.
