Can I Get a Time Out?

I have been missing from blogging again. It hurts my heart to share that our second round of IVF failed. The world crashed down around us again.  I think with this second attempt we tried being more cautiously optimistic.  (Ha! Much easier said than done) We were hopeful it would work, but learned from our last cycle there are no guarantees. It is just so incredibly hard.  You want desperately to guard your heart, but there is a competing  need with this to be truly all in, which  leaves you extremely vulnerable. We dared to dream again, and there we were back in the middle of a nightmare. We needed a time out.

You know how those work.  Think of a crazy basketball game where there are seconds left on the board and one team is down by just a point.  They are so close, yet so far to their goal. They can see it, it's there in the realm of possibility, but it's going to take a miracle. The crowd is screaming, the players are stressed, adrenaline is pumping and the coach calls a time out.  They need time... time to talk, to plan, time for things to stop...

We needed that time... we needed a moment where the clock stops ticking and we could breathe.  We could regroup, relax and come up with a new plan of attack.

 Well, real life time outs don't work that way much to my dismay (and Austin's). We called the time out and nothing stopped.  Life continues to move and our circumstances remain the same.

We tried distracting ourselves, which we did a great job of.

We purchased A HARLEY.  I am officially a biker chic and we are headed to Sturgis this summer.  That should be an intersting post. Stay tuned!!

We left. We got the hell out of town. It was easier than sitting here knowing, thinking about things. We have made some amazing friends in the Hacker family from Oklahoma and they planned a lake weekend for us to get our minds off of things.  They even invited us out for the following week so we got to spend our 4th of July at a gorgeous lake  in a monster camper, tubing, laughing, watching races and relaxing.

I worked.  I had helped plan a huge conference for 200 people from across the state that took place days after recieving our devestating news. (Blessing and a curse) I was almost too swamped to feel sorry for myself... almost.

This past weekend we spent with family and friends. Talking, eating, shopping and laughing. Again, a weekend full of fun!

We have been VERY busy...what absolutely positively undeniably sucks is that much like time outs... being busy doesn't save you. Nothing can sav you from the hurt of a failed IVF cycle or really just the hurt of infertility.  The pain is indescribable. It's not unbarable (although there are moments it can feel that way), I'm surviving (thank you God for that strength) ... it's just a hurt that I can't put into words. It cuts to the core of your very being. It takes tiny pieces of you that you fear will never be put back into place. It changes you.

I haven't been able to stop my feelings or to ignore them.  All of the fun, friends and family in the world  can't keep the hurt out. (As much as they have tried and I know would do anything to keep me from it) The hurt crept in.  Not as quickly as last time, more slowly. I think I had convinced myself that I would be ok, but I'm just not and I am not sure that I will be for awhile.  I am ok with that though. (So strange I know... I am not ok, but ok with not being ok.) The one thing I have said before and will continue to say is that this journey is one hell of a roller coaster.  There are incredible highs and the deepest of lows and I have come to accept all of them. (Like them? hell no! Accept them, yes.)

I am just letting myself feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it. I may be laughing one second and in the next minute tearing up. I am emotionally schizophrenic right now. This hurt is unpredictable and untamable.  Anything can trigger tears at any point in time.  On the flip side of that those same things can leave me completely unaffected. It's confusing and frustrating, ,which just adds  fuel to this emotional fire.   I am not sure that it is possible to really figure this hurt out as it is ever evolving. This is EXTREMELY difficult for the planner in me to accept.  I want to know how to move past this,what steps to take and at what point to expect things to go back to normal, and right now I have no freaking clue!  All I can do is continue to search for strength and accept that normal may look a little different from here on out.

I am BEYOND thankful to have the love and support that so many people continue to show me as I work my way through things.

We will be taking some time off from everything fertility related.  My body, heart and soul need some time for healing.  I am just praying that the healing actually comes. It is hard to imagine a light at the end of a tunnel you have been in long enough for your eyes to actually adjust to the darkness.  Even on the worst of days or in the hardest of moments I know that the light is there. I will see it, it just may take longer to find.

I plan to continue to blog.  Clearly we have some big adventures planned for the Wiechman's this summer and are focusing on enjoying this time that it is just us.  I know that this time together is a gift  we need to cherish.  It  won't always only be the two of us.  We have already decided that we will be parents regardless of how that happens. Until then we will be healing and living. :)