Playing Telephone...

Ring ring, ring ring....

Me: Oh hey honey
Austin : Hey, I hope your appointment went well. What are you doing?
Me: well I'm just laying here being inseminated
Austin: Huh, that's weird. Want to grab lunch?
Me: Sure... give me 15 minutes :)

Is it weird that that happened... or weird we are no longer phased at all by most of this?  I mean I have heard of  "phone sex", but "phone insemination"... not so sexy.

6th IUI down and now we wait...again.. for the last time. (Well the last time for this process and still potentially the last time ever!) No matter what the future holds for us or what the process moving forward is I am still hopeful.  I can not thank those that have messaged me enough (Clearly... you got your own post and here I am thanking you again. :) )  Your encouragement and prayers were very needed and much appreciated.  We will keep you posted!

Note to Self... Do Not Facebook in Walmart

So there I was in the check out line at my least favorite place on Earth...Walmart. The line was ridiculously long and one of the few open so I find myself waiting and bored... because I am extremely ADD.  What better to do than pull out the phone to check Facebook.

HOLY CRAPOLA!!!!!

I could never have imagined the outpouring of support from family and friends that I found.  The comments and  the personal messages that people chose to share with me were so uplifting and moving.  I began reading them and crying in the Walmart line.  Now those of you that read the whole blog... (WHICH PEOPLE TOTALLY DID.. THEY TOLD ME... MIND... BLOWN :) ) you people know I'm no stranger to crying in public... I just tally up the Walmart lady as one more person that thinks I'm nuts, but I totally don't care.  These weren't sad tears. These were seriously happy ones. I felt overwhelmingly supported and loved.

I can not thank all of you enough for taking the time to read my post, the blog (over 4,000 views in 2 days!) , for commenting or for sending me messages.  For even liking the post... holy cow.. over 300 people just liked it as a sign of support.. I wish I could like your likes right back.

Those that privately messaged me and shared your own struggles and stories, please know how honored I am that you are trusting me with them.  You have been absolutely inspirational to me.

Those that just messaged us kind words and support. Thank you!

I really feel that the sharing of this blog has been life changing.  I feel as though a huge weight (like 50 elephants wearing cement shoes kind of weight) has been lifted off of my shoulders.  As much as I say I am giving it to God, I haven't.  I am clinging to it and desperately trying to fix it myself.  The truth is I can't. I felt moved to finally share our story and the response has helped me see that we are not alone and have all of the support in the world.

Please know if any of you are in need of support for anything I would welcome the opportunity to return the favor.   You have all changed our path for the better!

I'm Sorry but Thank You

Well let's begin with the apology.

I am sorry to my friends and family that I haven't been there for, or have distanced myself from. Some of you have known what has been going on for the past two years and many have you have not.  It's not that we didn't trust you with this or that we didn't like you enough to tell you.  It is just so insanely personal and has been unimaginably difficult. This hands down has been the hardest thing that I have been through in my life and the most difficult thing we have faced as a couple.  Who knew our marriage would be tested with a battle like infertility in it's first few months. I had no idea how hard this journey would be when we began it two years ago.  I have off and on been an emotional mess and most often it was just too difficult to talk about.  I also always thought that this month would be the month that we would be pregnant, so I won't have to share any of this.

Unfortunately that month never came and we continue our fight to grow our  family.  I am sorry for the phone calls I missed.  There have been sad days that I just haven't felt like talking.  I am sorry for the parties, nights out, and dinners I ditched out on.  My life has revolved around my ovulation cycle and my focus has been on producing healthy eggs so drinking has been mostly out of the question.  I have found that if a person of my age is seen not drinking it is assumed you must be pregnant, which often leads to questions that I wasn't ready to answer,so I would just avoid the whole situation.  I am sorry to the friends that have had children that I haven't seen much of.  I know it's dumb, but there are days that It's too hard to see you with your children.  I am definitely envious and please know that I love you both, or all of you.  I will always be happy for you, but there are days that I am simultaneously sad for me.  For the friends that I haven't check in with or visited. I am sorry.  Your life and the things you have going on are very important to me, but I have definitely been a little self involved.  My life is a series of 2 week waits, I live off of a medication/testing/procedure calendar on my fridge  and I haven't made time for much else. I hope to do better.

Now, the much more fun and deserved thank yous.

To all of my Friends and Family. 

Thank you for your love and support that you have always shown us. For those we have shared with thank you for guarding our secret. This was our story to share when we were ready.   To all of you, thank you for your friendships.  We would not get through this journey without the fun, laughter and happy memories, that you provide us on a daily basis. For those that were unaware, thank you also for your understanding.  Again, it wasn't that we didn't trust you with this, it was just a harder story to tell.  

To my Husband

Wow I need more than a paragraph for this one, but I'll try to keep it short.  Thank you for your love and your strength. Both have been called upon countless times.  Thank you for dealing with me and my crazy hormones and for sticking needles in me as gently as possible.  You must not have heard that part during our vows.  "Do you Austin, promise to inject your wife with untold amounts of female hormones?"   Well you may not have had to say "I do", but you have done this for us and I am grateful. 

To all of the Infertility Bloggers
Thank you for being courageous enough to share your story with the world/ a bunch of strangers.  Know that there are a ton of other women going through a similar struggle that have found hope, laughter and strength in your words.  I can only hope that my blog is able to do for others what yours have done for me. 

To GOD
Whoa... where do you even go with that heading? Who writes a thank you to the big guy? This girl!  Thank you for restoring my faith month after month.  For giving Austin and I strength to see ourselves down this path.  We take comfort in knowing we are not alone on this journey and that there is a greater plan revealing itself. Thank you for listening to countless prayers from us and on our behalf. Thank you in advance for the forgiveness I will asking for and hopefully be granted for some of my foul language posts. I will try to keep things clean. 

I-V-Mother-F'n-F

Earmuffs grandma and Papa... I am on a roll and a rant.

The medical world should just rename it... it's what we are all thinking when it's recommended to us.  At the very least it might give the poor souls that have to hear the words In vitro fertilization spoken aloud to them a good giggle or two. (It would also play Ursula from little mermaid wailing in the background about poor unfortunate souls )

I could have definitely used some sort of comic relief or buffer when those three little letters were dropped on me. It really felt like the proverbial dropping of a bomb.. I... (Kaboom!)... V.... (POW!)  F... Pssshhhooowww! (That's how you spell the bomb noise you make with your mouth... you know, the throaty spitty one.)

My freak out is now over. Thank you Jesus! (No really thank you.. I thank you, my husband thanks you, everyone that got a weepy phone call thanks you, but we will get to you later)

To get everyone back up to speed.  We had another negative test day last week, followed by a phone call with my nurse team requesting we come in to talk about next steps which is the most aggressive treatment available to us, IVF. I had what I would call a teeny meltdown. (I think Austin might use a different adjective.)

I cried... a lot.  All I knew about IVF is that it is a big dang deal, it's expensive and involves even more injections.  I don't think that process was the part that was scary (Yes I flipping hate shots and I know with this there will be a whole lot more coming)  it's the fact that we have to do it.  It's knowing and living the fact that I can't conceive easily period... that is scary. It sounds like I'm a spoiled brat that wants a baby handed to me on a silver platter. Not what I am saying.  I know that good things come to those that wait, and nothing good wasn't difficult to achieve.  I can do difficult, but the journey of infertility treatment isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy.  It is a roller coaster of medications, hormones and emotions and has been mostly heartbreaking for us so far. It is an extreme test of your faith and how much you believe that this really truly is a part of your life plan and not just some cruel coincidence.

I knew this day could come and that the IVF conversation could happen, I just didn't ever think that it would.  I thought I would be like my mom, a few rounds of Chlomid and hello baby bump... not the case, but every month you hang onto hope. Hope that the test will be positive, hope that your lives are forever changing for the better. Hope that you can start pinning all of those cute nursery posts on Pinterest.

 Unfortunately month after month our hope hits a brick wall doing about a million mph. (I know that they don't make cars or anything that fast, but I am trying to explain how those days feel)  I will say that I can be a little crazy with my descriptions but on this one I am not being overly dramatic.  It has been two years  24 months of  never ending negative tests (That's not even counting the blood tests). Test days are no longer fun, I don't lie awake anxiously awaiting my morning pee like a child on Christmas, but I do lie awake... absolutely terrified...and yet still a teensy bit hopeful. (Crazy I know, but without hope and faith, we would not make it through all of this)

Moving along,  Austin joined me for a 2 hour doctor appointment during which we learned all about the IVF process.   Still a little freaked out but feeling much more informed. Our odds go way up if we move forward with this.  I was disappointed to find out that our Clinic only does 5 cycles per year of IVF so we have to wait until January to begin.

We were given the option to take two months off to prepare ourselves and my poor over medicated body. (You have to have at least the month prior to IVF off to be sure you don't develop a cyst from the fertility meds I already take)  Umm... breaks? Have you met my husband and I?  We asked if we could try one more time and still qualify for IVF if unsuccessful and we were given the A-OK to move forward.

We are calling this our Hail Mary Cycle.  It is our one last attempt to avoid the big scary IVF, but either way I am hopeful.  I am taking some new meds (injections.. of course it had to include more needles) and trying to live as healthily as possible to see if that helps.  If it doesn't we move forward as planned in January. IVF has a much higher success rate and based on everything our physicians have found so far this should be the thing that works.  No more crossing of anything for luck... This time it's all about faith. Faith in a God that knows more than us and will continue to guide us through this crazy journey.

Thank You Grandma and Papa Cassel

Grandma & Papa... I tricked you... this isn't really a post about you.. I am sure that will come later.  I have about a million bazillion things I could thank you guys for, but today I want to focus on one specifically. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME MY MOM. (I am sure this wasn't intentionally done as a future gift for me your not yet dreamed of granddaughter, but I feel blessed none the less.)

Thankfully every year we get a WHOLE DAY to celebrate the wonderful human being that the two of you brought into the world.  She is funny, smart, kind and considerate. She is loving, giving and forgiving. (Lord knows sisters and I have tested each of these characteristics, but without fail, she holds true to the person she is.)

Thank you Grandma and Papa for making me a mom that I can look up to and aspire to be like. Thank you for raising a person that that I can laugh with and be truly myself with. ( I am sure some of this is just momly duties, as it would be super rude of her to judge me, the person she made... but, she I have never felt that I wasn't fully accepted and loved by her)


 You have made her understanding and compassionate.  I can't count the number of phone calls she has gotten from me crying my eyeballs out... and she still answers my calls.

You gave her beauty and strength, wit and sarcasm (you could have maybe held back a little on those two :) j/k) You made her an all around joy of a person to be near.  Her laughter and love alike are contagious.

Thank you Grandma and Papa for making the woman that made me... so I guess I could thank you for making me... which maybe you should thank me for being made because I am pretty remarkable or maybe my birth was mom's thank you to you for making her so great... who knows.. but maybe :)

Mom, 

Thank you for the struggles you went through to have me. (Perhaps it takes fertility treatments to make extra cool babies... that would explain my awesomeness!) Thank you for the love you have given myself and sister's whether or not we were deserving.  Thank you for raising us...period. Lord knows that took some work. Thank you for being the insanely wonderful woman that you are. I hope the world sees a little bit of you in each of us.  Love you to the moon and back and back again! Happy Birthday!

Aub

1,051,200 Minutes

That is how long i have been married... C-R-A-Z-Y! It feels as though time hasn't just flown... but that it has teleported us into 2014. I could sometimes swear I took that life changing walk down the isle last week.

The past two years have held so much for us.  We have been through countless fertility treatments,  3 new tattoos,  2 dune buggies, the purchase of my RZR (and taught me how to safely operate it), bought land, been robbed, poured a patio, gone on vacations, built a fence, work trips, purchased a new couch (partly because we wanted one, but mostly because Lou ate the old one), celebrated marriages, birthdays and the lives of lost loved ones, met our new niece... the list goes on and on and on.

It is so incredibly easy to get caught up in the black hole of fertility treatment. (We live in it every single day) It can be and more often than not, all consuming, but when I look at the bigger picture and what has happened over the course of the past two years I see so much more than hormones and injections.  I see love and laughter, courage and perseverance, I see all of the good, great and wonderful things that have happened in our lives.

Two years in; our marriage is stronger than ever and I still feel beyond blessed to be married to a man that I am head over heels in love with and I know loves me right back.  He is my heart.  I found a great quote on pinterest from Barbera De Angelis, "Marriage isn't a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It is something you do. It's the way you love your partner everyday"  Just awesome and how true!  Here's to many more days of loving each other. Happy Anniversary to us.