It's called the OBGYN office...
I received a voicemail this past weekend reminding me of my well woman exam on Monday. How could it be time for that already?!? Haven't my lady bits been examined enough in the last year to know that all is A- OK down south? I mean they have practically been on permanent display. Oh well.. this is just something we adult women must do. I typically don't mind it. My doctor is AMAZING and I love the staff. (I got to know everyone very well during my frequent visits way back when) I was actually looking forward to visiting everyone. (so wierd, I know. Who looks forward to the Gyno?) Any who...I had a lovely morning, working from Panera down the road from my clinic. I headed over to the office with time to spare, get on the elevator... do, do, do... walk through the big fancy door, and it hits... out of no where. I was unprepared. I never imagined. I would never have thought, today is going to be one of those extra difficult days. BELLIES! BIG PREGNANT BELLIES! EVERYWHERE. I look left, I see one. Ack! Look right Aubrey, look right! I look right... AHHHH another one! Look left! Look Left! Shit! There is the first one! Look up! Lights... whew... I am totally fine, no big deal, so there are a few people super pregnant here today... Ok like 10-15, but that's fine, good for them. I just can't look. ( I know I probably seem like a total spaz and have definitely made one hella awkward entry, but you do what you have to do in these situations. (They think me swinging my head around is strange, wait until the tears start for no apparent reason) You just never know when those difficult moments are going to hit. I most definitely did not anticipate toady's, but here it is and here I am, trapped amid a sea of glorious, glowing, bumps. I will not cry, I will not cry, I will not cry! I take a seat... faaaaarrr away. Well as far away as you can get in a tiny waiting room and I pull out my phone. Saved by my trivia game. Now I have something to distract me and to look at. The waiting room gets a little fuller. People sit in the seats directly behind mine and start talking.. Well one person starts talking. The young lady behind me begins asking the people across from her if they are pregnant... surprise, surprise they are, like everyone else here today. I just think if I avoid eye contact and look at my phone like it's super important and I can not be disturbed.. tap, tap, tap on my shoulder. UGH! I look... she talks...
Rando very pregnant waiting room girl: "Excuse me, are you pregnant?"
Me in my head: "Don't freak out, don't freak out, don't freak out"
Me out loud "No" (With the closest thing to a smile I could manage... I am sure it looked more like I was chewing on glass"
Rando: " Oh.. hmm" (very confused)
It gets worse. She then turns to her mother who has to explain to her what OBGYNs do... because she is clearly not old enough to have yet had a well woman exam... her mother is also probably there with her because she wasn't old enough to have a license to drive herself!
(A few more silent, do not freak out mantras and the call my name) Thank you JESUS! (No seriously, the timing was nothing short of divine intervention) Things were about to get extra awkward out there.
I wasn't sure I was going to make it. I scurried out of my seat and almost hug my life saver nurse. We walk back to the room prepared for me and she asks me how I am and I just can't stop it.. I have tried, I really really really tried. Out comes... dun dun dun... the ugly cry. I am talking snot, hyperventilating, so embarrassing ugly cry. My nurse kindly closed the door and talks to me about my situation. She was WONDERFUL. She told me to never apologize. She has actually been in my exact shoes and remembers still how painful and hard things were for herself. I get a big hug, some tissue and I am better.
My doctor came in. The appointment was quick, but he was sure to tell me he would be praying for me and expected to be seeing me soon for a different kind of appointment :) Bless his heart!
I leave the doctors office still a little emotional. I can't find the right words to explain how strange and frustrating it feels to be so at the mercy of your heart. I can' even begin to explain how quick and overwhelming my emotions can be. (In an instant it can feel like my body/mind have been taken over by body snatchers and everything changes.. I am no longer happy, fun loving, optimistic me. I have tumbled into a deep dark pit of nasty and I know I am either going to cuss someone out.or cry. luckily my go to response is the latter. Scratch that, I don't know that anyone that it's really appropriate to deem it as luck. It has made me, as well as a few unsuspecting souls feel extraordinarily uncomfortable. Sorry guy at the SAM's gas station, oh and the man at Chipotle!)
It is so easy to get down on yourself then for feeling the way you do. (Or for having semi evil dialogues in your head ) It is the most out of control I have ever felt. Anyone struggling with infertility, or just facing any sort of struggle that has your emotions out of whack, follow the advice of my new acupuncturist, " Be kind to yourself, cut yourself some slack."
This has and will continue to be a difficult journey. I am sooo excited for next month, yet equal parts terrified. The closer we get to this next step the more emotional I seem to be getting. ( Great right?!) It's ok though. This is emotional. There will be good days and bad days. My current plan is to just roll with it. By the end of the day I could tell the story and laugh. ( I know, this has all made me a tiny bit schizo :).
Can't wait to see what kind of adventures my quadrupled levels of injectable hormones bring!
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