The World Keeps Turning

So do our wheels...

I have been doing a good job of keeping busy to keep my mind of things.  I still have moments where the sadness tries its best to creep up on me, but I am quick to kick it to the curb. Basically I am a bad ass ninga, karate chopping the shit out of any and all depressing thoughts trying to infiltrate my brain.

As I said though, I am in less need of ass kicking numb chucks when I am busy.  I am happy to take people up on offers to do anything. Especially fun stuff!  Kathy (My mother in law)  called me last Friday to see if I would want to go to the Dunes for the day Saturday. Well Why the heck not?!?!   We planned to run lunch down to the guys, ride a little and come back that evening.

When I am with Kathy, nothing ever goes as planned. Things quickly become an adventure.  I should have known :)

11:45pm Friday I wake from a call from Austin.

"Hey babe. I need you to drive a trailer down tomorrow
."
"ok, sure." - (WHAT?!?!)

Kathy and I load up the next day to find out we are driving one of the guys buddy's trucks... ok.

Big girl booster seat

1.) It has no power.  None, nada, zilch.. The radio doesn't work. (thank goodness Kathy and I could talk to a wall for an entire day if needed)  The seats don't move.  (Thank you Kathy for making me a booster seat out of my purse and jacket so I could reach the pedals.  We also find out my phone charger will not charge.  ( Thank you Mophie case for keeping my navigation alive long enough to get us there.)

2.) We have no brakes... well no trailer brakes.  There is a little doo dad that you can use to hand operate them if needed. Yeah, not happening.  I  am a terrible driver and there is no way that I could recognize I need my doo dad, find it and actually use it on time.  Extra slow going it is then.

3.) After we are well on our way out of town we see that it has no gas! Usually no big deal, but this is a diesel truck.  There isn't diesel at every gas station. We turn back, find one and it is the tiniest thing ever (Remember driving the big truck with the very large trailer).  We get in, pump the gas, look around and realize that the ENTIRE TINY parking lot is full for some even taking place at the storage unit area right beside it.  (Huge trailer, me driving, LOTs of cars... holy hell) With Kathy's encouragement and direction I get the thing out and back on the road without taking out any bumpers, pedestrians, etc. Miracles do happen!

4.) The whole thing is like a monster truck of horrors.  I am BEYOND thankful our friend loaned it to us. I also know that trucks tend to get dirty and guys are just gross.  It was gross.  It also had the ability to scare the ever loving crap out of me.  Kathy goes to shut the console and BANG! My ears are ringing, I'm thinking she just fired a weapon in the car! Nope, apparently the glove box was full of fireworks.  Smoke is filling the cab and we are laughing our butts off.

We made it safe and sound to the Dunes and were quite the celebrities.  Two ladies hauling a monster trailer 2.5 hours with no accident.:) The hubs was pretty proud!

Our day trip did however turn into an overnight.  That trip required a post travel cocktail or two. Huge shout out to Austin's step dad Mark for watching our fur babies so Kathy and I could have our
fun!

Someday Austin will learn to quit making that face!

There Wasn't Room

We were so full of faith, joy, hope and excitement over the last few weeks that there wasn't any room for fear, doubt, or failure. I think that was why their unwelcome presence was so surprising and caught us so off guard.

Last Wednesday we found out that this first round of IVF was unsuccessful. There really aren't words to describe the emotions that sweep through you. Our month had been full of conversations about what our future child will be like, what names we would use, what our nursery would look like, how we would tell our family and friends.  That phone call from my nurse was...that phone call was...

Honestly I am at a complete loss of words for exactly what that phone call was to us.  Initially it felt as though the whole world was caving in and the earth was swallowing me whole.  It was as if floodgates had opened and we were being tossed around in waters of uncertainty, sorrow and pain.
You definitely experience an immediate sense of loss.  Loss of the child/children that will not be. Our littles had not survived. That hurts in a way I didn't know was possible. ( I had definitely felt this before, but never at this magnitude. We had never actually seen our embryos, known they were growing and living until this time.)

  It was so tempting to curl up and live in that pain, even if just for a little bit. For us these feelings though intense were oddly enough fleeting. I am not saying all of a sudden a switch flipped and I was fine.  There have been many tears over the last week and I would not be surprised to see a few more from me. (There have actually been some while reflecting on this experience while typing today) There was a moment though actually not long after our horrible call that I wanted out of the damn murky awful water.  I was clawing my way to the surface for just one not so burning breath. There floating on the water were our hope, faith and joy just waiting on us to emerge.

I can not begin to thank my husband enough for the support he has shown during all of this.  He is without a doubt my strength and my happy.  He is encouraging  and optimistic always.  He is also constantly reassuring me that we are OK just the way we are regardless of what happens.

I can also say that I have never not felt GOD working through all of this. Yes, there were a few moments that I had the VERY NORMAL (again anyone going through something similar, these feelings are NORMAL!) Why me?!? What the hell? This is bullshit! Am I being punished? This ins't fair!  Definitely felt all of those...BUT... I will still say on the other side of it, once it had sunk in and I had calmed down, I was back to being ok with our outcome. (Not happy.. HELL to the  NO,  not happy, not good, not welcoming of, but ok.) I definitely can't say that I understand GOD's workings or really like them all of the time, but I do know that he is in the business of making beautiful things and my life is one of his works. It may be more like a  Monet right now, a hot mess up close, but I know once finished, if one were to step back and look at the whole thing it will not be any less wonderful than any of his other masterpieces.

God is not gently whispering to me in this.  Oh no, I feel like when I read my devotional he is standing on top of a lifeguard tower with a megaphone hooked up to a speaker system. The day after "the call" the entire devotional was dedicated to waiting, trusting and hoping... hmmm... sound familiar?

"Trust in the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD."  Psalm 27:14

This will sound so weird. The first thing I did after the call was put on a tiara and poop scoop. I know... what? I'm still not sure what or why, but it was what I needed to do to feel like my regular self doing something regular. ( I know my regular is weird, but it's mine not yours.) I think anyone going through a struggle may find there are moments during which you can feel yourself slipping. You are losing bits and pieces of who you are with every blow life sends your way.  I will not lose me in this. So I sparkled and scooped for part of the afternoon.

I am a woman that is willing to roll my sleeves up, get a little dirty and put in the effort to do what needs to be done. I am also the woman that doesn't think you have to look like a slob doing the hard work :) I am me, and at the end of the everyday I want to be me.  I want to be a person too full of hope, faith and joy to make room for doubt or failure.

In June we will be trying our second round of IVF. I am and we are willing to do what it takes to creat our family. Until then we are building our shop out at the Sand Dunes, I will be working on jumping my RZR even higher than my last video, landscaping our back yard, eradicating our pack rats and spending lots of time with family and friends.  We will be us for a few more months and that isn't just ok. That's pretty awesome.

Back Ups and Break Downs

Austin went to the dunes this week. Not a big deal usually, but these progesterone shots are a part of OUR nightly routine. See that... OUR, not my.  These things take two baby.  I know there are ladies that give them to themselves.  I saw some on Youtube, I also heard from a friend that she did her own. Power to you ladies! I am NOT that gal. The stomach needles yes, the monster booty shots, no.  I'm not so much scared of them anymore, but I just cant figure out exactly how to go about doing it.  My circles/targets are in wierd spots, which would make getting a shot in at the right angle very difficult.  Not to mention the whole need to pull the plunger out which would take my other hand, that just doesn't seem to want to dislocate itself so I can get it behind me to do such a chore.  Solo shots, just aren't happening here.   In comes the backup.  Anyone going through this I highly recommend having one to two.  Life happens and your partner may not be able to administer them as planned.  If I were to become pregnant, I was told these shots would continue for 9 to 10 weeks.  No way will Austin be able to just not travel for work that long. Back to our back ups.  I am VERY lucky to be close to my sister-in laws.  Both of which kindly offered to stick me in my booty.  One lives right down the street from us so it was really easy to go drop in for my "treatment".

Ayrin was AWESOME. I actually hung out there all day, which is always fun.  She was super confident, but as nighttime hit and the time to do the dead neared, she got a tiny bit nervous.  (Who wouldn't?) I am asking her kindly to stab me with a needle the size of a skewer.  I reminded her it didn't hurt me. We watched a quick YouTube video.

The guy was terrible! I felt sorry for his poor wife. He sterilized/wiped her butt forever then did like 4 countdowns before sticking the dang thing in! I told her absolutely don't do it like that! ( I don't think that helped with nerves ) Do it fast and kind of hard like a dart and absolutely under no circumstances do you do a count down.  I know it's coming. Just do it.

Easy peasy! She rocked it! Through Ayrin I found yet another back up. Her neighbor  just happens to be a nurse and offered to help anytime.  Lucky for me because Ayrin went to a concert Saturday and I needed to take her up on the offer.  Angie was equally as awesome at shot giving. Lucky me!

We are getting closer to our testing date.  We are less than a week away and I think things are finally hitting me. I have really felt pretty good about everything and been more happy than nervous, but  the closer it gets to knowing the more difficult things are getting.  I am struggling to sleep and I feel anxious a lot. I have also had some unexpected bleeding which has me concerned.  I spoke with the nurse and there is no way to know what is going on at this point or if it even matters.  Women can bleed when pregnant or you could be bleeding because you aren't.  I guess I haven't had a full on break down yet.  I have had to fend off a few tears. ( I am not the best fender offer so quite a few have slipped through, but I think that has to be totally normal.  This is after all the most intense two week wait I have endured)  I won't give up hope nor will I falter in my faith.  I know that whatever happens is what is supposed to happen. (That doesn't mean if things don't happen the way I would like them to I won't be sad) What it means is that Austin and I will get through whatever life throws at us and whatever our test results are.

Waitiing is a Pain in my Ass... Literally

No news today really.  Nothing new has occurred we are just waiting.  Waiting to hear about our two remaining embryos and waiting to do my blood test. I can also feel myself waiting to feel different, but I feel absolutely the same. I know it's still too early to experience any symptoms and any and potentially all that even occur I could credit to my PIO shot.  PIO is short for progesterone in oil and is now a nightly ritual for Austin and I. 

I began these shots the day after my retrieval.  These are  monster shots with the big scary needles. I was beyond freaked out and had myself majorly worked up over these, but like the trigger shot they have been really easy.  I am  tolerating them really well.  Austin remains an awesome shot giver. I haven't had any of the major issues they talk about online, (Yet another reason to not google ladies)  the most concerning being Lumpy Butt. I mean talk about adding insult to injury.  You endure these daily pokes and get a lumpy ass to go along with it?  No knots in my behind... so far.  We also haven't had a "bad" shot yet. Knock on wood that hurt for days or made me walk funny. (Although that trigger shot sure did) We have definitely had a few bleeders and learned pretty quickly to have a gauze pad ready to go and to immediately apply pressure.  We pretty much have this thing down pat!

Austin thinks its' funny that I forget which cheek we are injecting some nights.  All I can think of is one of my work out songs. " left cheek, right cheek, left cheek, right cheek.  Let me see your booty work!" Hahahaha... This booty is working for this baby for sure!

The waiting alone can be difficult, the waiting while getting shots is just plain unfortunate :( I am doing my best to keep busy and to not worry.  Surprisingly enough I still feel that I am more emotionally stable/balanced during this IVF cycle than any of my IUIs.    I think I am getting better at this giving it to God stuff :) 

Transfer Time!

Holy cow! Today, I have embryos in my uterus! Yes that was plural... EMBRYOS! Two to be exact! Oh my gosh! I am overjoyed, overwhelmed, over the moon, overly exhausted... pretty much any over you could think of.

It was quite the day for a transfer. The heaviest snowfall we have seen yet this year.  Luckily Austin has a huge truck, four wheel drive, and LOVES driving in the snow.  Upon arriving at the clinic we found the parking lot empty (It's Saturday) and he did not waste an opportunity to spin a kitty around the light pole.  How could he reisist such a perfectly snow covered parking lot?

I was asked to drink 24oz's of water 30minutes prior to arriving.  Ok, so that doesn't sound like much, but for me and my teensy bladder it was pure torture! We get into the clinic and we wait... we wait with my very full bladder!  They finally call our names and we are lead down a series of hallways to a part of the clinic I didn't know existed.  Our room is right off of the area that the embryologists work.  We are introduced to our embryologist, or the man that is baby sitting our embryos.  His name just happens to be Michael Myers. (Austin gets a huge kick out of this. Mike Myers, like the murderous guy from the scary Halloween movies. Perfect!) He shows us the photo of the two embryos that as of now are "leading the pack".  That was the moment we really had been waiting for. Getting to see our "littles". These could be our future baby(ies)! Ahhhh! (Then began our photo shoot)

 I don't know that I have ever experienced that level of excitement/joy in my life that I did in that moment.  Clearly. :) 

Austin loves all my picture taking!

The doctor then enters to discuss further the status of our embryos.  One is beautiful/perfect and 10 celled, the other is ok and 8 celled. ( I think you are much more than "ok" little embryo. You are wonderful!)   Again, he says that they use their grading procedure to determine which would be most likely to take, but it's not a fool proof method. He said he has had patients, with one embryo that doesn't look as good as our "ok" embryo still take and result in a pregnancy and ultimately a baby. He recommends we go ahead and transfer two. Our remaining two embryos will be watched until day 6.  If they survive that long and progress accordingly they will be frozen.

Austin and I then got to watch the entire procedure on the sonogram screen.  They locate your bladder. (Which is huge because it is so full.  They said mine was more than full and I could "release a little"... ummm.. how do you pee a little? I don't know about you, but when I have to go this bad, once the flood gates are open, they are open. No closing them.  I opted out and said let's do this.  I can endure a little more discomfort at this point) The bladder presses right up against the uterus. You can see the lining and the faint shadow of a catheter that is inserted and positioned just right.  Once the catheter is in place they call Mr. Myers :) and ask him to bring in the embryos.  They are loaded into a smaller catheter that is inserted into the already positioned catheter and pushed out.  They then do a quick check under a microscope to be sure they actually were inserted. Then I laid there for 15 minutes and was sent on my way. Wow.. that's it. There are 2 embryos in my uterus.  this is the closest to being pregnant that I have been thus far.  No special instructions other than continue the nightly boot shots.  Life goes back to normal, but how can it? I have EMBRYOs in ME!

As tempting as it is to morph into one GINORMOUS worry wart. I realize that this is definitely the point when we have medically done all that we can do and must give the rest fully up to God.  My daily devotional has been so spot on lately, it really is a little freaky. 

The day of our transfer it read, " You are on the right path. Listen more to Me, and less to your doubts.  I am leading you along the way I designed just for you. Therefore, it is a lonely way, humanly speaking.  But I go before you as well as alongside you, so you are never alone.  Do not expect anyone to understand fully my ways with you, any more than you can comprehend My dealings with others.  I am revealing to you the path of Life day by day, and moment by moment.  As I said to My Disciple  Peter, so I repeat to you; Follow Me. "

Lord, I have put on quite the brave face, but I am scared, scared of the outcome of all of this, scared our dreams of parenthood will not come true, but I know we will weather whatever life brings us, because you are leading us and supporting us.  I am doing my very best to give this struggle to you. ( I know my very best is not always perfect, but I am imperfect)  We pray for courage and strength to continue on this path.  We pray for faith and light to lead the way!

And then there were 4!

We received our embryo's "report card" the day after egg retrieval.  All nine eggs were mature and were fertilized using a procedure that's acronym is ICSI - It's actual name is ridiculously long so we still just call it that. They actually take 1... ONE itty bitty sperm and put it inside the egg. Of the nine eggs 4 fertilized.  One fertilized, incorrectly and was discarded, four did not fertilize and four little embryos remained.  They said that this was a lower fertilization number than average, but it was hard to tell what, and if anything actually went wrong. They said that it could be a sperm issue, it could be an egg issue or it could just be the luck of the draw this time.  As with much of our infertility journey there is no for sure answer.  We are definitely use to the ambiguity of it all at this point.  

The only reason they would investigate things further, would be if we did not achieve a pregnancy at this point.  

Back to our little embryos. Four! We don't need 9 or 20 for that matter, we just need one to work.  

We recieved a second update on Friday.  According to the report our four littles were of average quality... who are you calling AVERAGE embryologist?!? They are spectacular and miraculous, so watch what you say!

Anywho... they just rate the embryos to help determine which would be most prime for the transfer. Although, no grade is completely indicative of whether or not an embryo will take.  They still have time to grow one more night because our transfer is scheduled for Saturday morning!