IVF Numero Dos

No beating around the bush with the title.  It's here. It's time.  We have prepped, planned, endured and scraped up every last penny to make this happen.

Prepping/Enduring:  So last IVF cycle didn't go very well. (Obviously), but there were some suggestions made that I was on top of.  Based on that cycle there is a potential issue with the quality of my eggs. (fabulous I know)  There are a few supplements that haven't been studied enough to know the for sure effectiveness of them, but there are multiple fertility clinics in the country that use them regularly. DHEA and CoQ10.  They are supposed to improve egg quality.  Along with the potentially wonderful things they can do they have also made my hair greasy, my face oily, given me backne and a fews extra pounds. LOVELY.  Not only do I have crappy eggs, I now have a pooch (babyless I might add) and the skin of a 14 year old.  I have also been taking vitamin d and a new prenatal vitamin per the recommendation of a more natural doctor in town. ( This prenatal is actually a packet of 6 pills..6 nasty smelling/tasting pills that require a nose plug to get down)  So for the last 2.5 months I have been taking 14 pills per day. (The birth control I have been on for the last 3 weeks bumped it up to 15) Well get me a pill box and call me grandma.

Scraping Penny's: Not joking... at all. Literally cashed in our change jar to swing this cycle.  I am very proud of how much my husband has accomplished and the company he has built. Without his success IVF would not even be an option at this point.  I know it gets weird for some people to discuss the financial side of things.  This is, as is much of anything infertility related, personal, but it's a reality and I want people to REALLY understand everything that people going through procedures are dealing with.  On top of the emotional, physical, spiritual and  marital stress it can cause is financial stress... which is huge.  Austin and I have a wonderful life and are blessed to be as financially secure as we have been, but IVF is a stretch for us, especially 2 cycles. NOTHING IS COVERED BY INSURANCE. Every test, appointment, blood draw, sono, procedure, medication is out of pocket.  I have been selling things out of our house on a facebook resale site, threw things into a garage sale (which my lovely sister Ayrin put together and worked) Austin sold our extra truck just so we could have one more shot at having the family we have dreamed of.  The fertility clinic we go to offers a discount for more than 1 cycle.  We did recieve $1,500 off this time, which I am thankful for because every single cent counts.

 Last Cycle:
Procedures/medical  = $10,900  
Meds: $3,500

This Cycle:
Procedures/medical = $9,400
Meds: $4,437 (Currently.  We could end up needing more by the time the cycle is done)

It is seriously crazy.  Now throw in our 6 IUIs which were close to $1,000 apiece with meds and medical expense.  There are a handful of states that offer insurance coverage for fertility treatment, but Kansas isn't one and that breaks my heart. (and the damn bank ) Again, we are fortunate that we have been able to pull together the funds (somewhat miraculously this time), but we did it.  I know there are people out there suffering from infertility that also deserve to have families and may not be able to even try due to this HUGE barrier.  If money were no object I would have no problem doing this until it worked, but seeing as how I am not Donald Trump or Lady Gaga that's not possible.

The reality is any couple going through fertility treatments is investing thousands upon thousands of dollars and may never get the outcome they are desperately hoping and working for.

( That is legit the bag of money I had to deposit at my bank to be able to pay for my meds. The ones were Austins idea of a joke and my Christmas/Birthday gift this year.  The ladies at the bank kept laughing... I insisted that I did not have a morally questionable profession.  I am not sure they bought it. )

Delivery: Meds are here. ( I imagine this being said like the Jersey Shore, "Cabs are here!" ) I was ready this time. Big box = lots of meds = lots of needles.  No surprises. Not tears.  Everything is unloaded, and put away to be ready to go for TOMORROW!

 

That's right folks. I had my screening sono today and was given the all clear to begin! I can say that going into this cycle is definitely scarier, or at least scary in a different kind of way.  The first one was scary, but mostly because of the needles. (Not nearly as scary once you have had a bagillion shots)  This one is scary because the reality is it may not work. I am doing my best to put just as much hope and heart into this cycle. I think that it is sooooo important ( My acupuncturist has been helping with this... thank you kindly Marty :)), but it is very hard not to want to try and protect your heart as well. Going through a failed cycle was.... honestly I don't even have the right words to truly describe the difficulty of that, but we survived.  I know no matter what life throws at us, we will survive again.  I am still  hopeful and excited to see where things take us and what God's plan is in this new experience.

My devotional (Jesus is Calling) was BEYOND fitting today:

" I am with you, watching over you constantly.  I am Emmanuel; God with you; My presence enfolds you in radiant love. Nothing, including the brightest blessings and the darkest trials can separate you from me. Some of my children find me more readily during dark times, when difficulties force them to depend on me... "

Mother's Day... Ouch.

Well this was definitely a tough one.  An entire day dedicated to the one thing I want to be more than anything.  It wasn't my first rodeo.  Last year wasn't so stellar either, but we have now been through so much more.  I also had wholeheartedly believed that this year I too, would be celebrated.  We have put in the time, the work, the money, the prayer.  We have done absolutely everything we could possibly do to become parents and yet I am still here hoping, waiting and wishing that God gives me this desire of my heart.

Too bad I didn't happen to have a nuclear fall out shelter in our backyard.  I think that may have been the only thing capable of shielding me from the day of torment. Countless facebook posts ( I went facebook free most of the day), radio ads, card displays, bouquets, loud speaker announcements in every store.  I even avoided church because I knew the message would be geared toward celebrating moms.

Let's get one thing straight folks, I am not a mom hater :) I am not for a second saying they do not deserve celebration.  I am forever thankful for the wonderful mother God has given me as well as for her mother and her mother's mother. (and on and on and on) This is the same for my Dad's mother and my mother-in-law. I have so many incredible women in my life friends, family, extended family.  I am in awe of the wonderful job that my sister and sister-in-law have done as mother's to their own children.  I see how hard they have and do work every single day to provide my sweet little nieces with the happiest of lives.   I see my friends with their children and those expecting and I am joyful for them and the opportunity they have been given to be stewards of life.

While I can rejoice for those around me it is still pretty impossible not to feel somewhat sorry for myself.  I hate that though. I hate that I was starting to feel a little, "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!" about all of the "mom, mom, mom stuff"  The value of a woman isn't measured by this one day, I know that.  I also know that feelings of envy come with the infertility territory. It's just yucky to feel that way. I also recognize that women battling infertility aren't the only ones out there that struggle with this day.

I found the below dedication in a few different places, but thought it was a beautiful way to recognize moms and those that don't perfectly fit into the "mom" box, but are equally as important and also should feel appreciated, not alienated or made to feel bad on a day intended to make women feel good.  So to all of the moms, the non-moms, the non-traditional moms  thank you for all that you do and the impact it has on the lives of those around you!

To those who gave birth this year to their first child—we celebrate with you

To those who lost a child – we mourn with you

To those who are in the trenches with little ones every day and wear the badge of food stains – we appreciate you

To those who experienced loss through miscarriage, failed adoptions, or running away—we mourn with you

To those who walk the hard path of infertility, fraught with pokes, prods, tears, and disappointment – we walk with you. 

To those who are foster moms, mentor moms, and spiritual moms – we need you

To those who have lost their mothers  – we grieve with you

To those who are single and long to be married and mothering your own children – we mourn that life has not turned out the way you longed for it to be

To those who step-parent – we walk with you on these complex paths

To those who envisioned lavishing love on grandchildren -yet that dream is not to be, we grieve with you

To those who placed children up for adoption — we commend you for your selflessness and remember how you hold that child in your heart

And to those who are pregnant with new life, both expected and surprising –we anticipate with you

This Mother’s Day, we walk with you. Mothering is not for the faint of heart and we have real warriors in our midst. We remember you.

Tick Tick Tock

Well the tick tick is obvious... yay for warm weather, dog walking and nasty bugs.

The tock is the clock winding back up.  I am excited terrified happy scared overjoyed apprehensive extactic freaked out   ready to share that we will be starting our second round of IVF at the end of May. Ready sounds like an ok word.  There are so many emotions that come to mind as we near our new start date.  This is another opportunity for our dreams to come true as well as a chance for our world to crumble a tiny bit... again. I am still hopeful and anxiously waiting to see God's plan for us over the next few months.

I know things have been quiet on the blog front. The world keeps turning and life goes on outside of all of the IVF'ing :) It has been wonderful to relax, regroup, cut loose and reconnect over the last few months.  We have actually been keeping pretty busy.

There has been a trip to the dunes; full of cocktails, laughs, daredevlish driving (on my part) family, friends, food and fun!





There has been quality time spent with these little angels  devils  ridiculously awesome little people. Time full of giggles, silly faces, baby talk, peek-a-boo, make believe, movie watching and coloring. Never a dull moment.

There has been  a sorority reunion. It's been YEARS as in like 6+ since I had seen some of these amazing peeps! It's incredible how quickly and easily we all fell right back into the swing of things, at least in terms of our friendships.  Aggieville, not so much. We fell right back in quickly...(Some literally falling... you know who you are :) )  easily..ah no! It was still fun to relieve the glory days and to have an opportunity to reconnect.  I forgot how much I missed everyone until I saw them again. No worries ladies, I will not soon forget how awesome you all truly are.  Thank you for the support and encouragement you offered me on my fertility journey.  I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. (even if they live far far away or I only see them ever other decade :) )

 There have been celebrations including my sister-in-law's birthday. This was full of bike riding, laughing, margaritas, illegal street crossing and walking our bikes through Pet Co. ( thank you Ayrin for helping me multi task and for strapping my food in your baby seat and biking it home )

The warm weather has the hubs antsy to be outdoors.  we went biking together as well.  He is a little disappointed that I haven't quite mastered how to ride a wheelie on my mountain bike. ( Because it's completely normal to do and apparently comes quite naturally to him) I am working on it though.
There really isn't anything I wouldn't do or try for this man.  There definitely isn't anywhere I wouldn't follow him.  He is my heart and has been my strength through these last few years.  I love you Mr. Wiechman!