I Was Not That Girl – Message to Those Still Fighting the Good Fight For Their Family

Don’t for a second think that I am one of those women that just relaxed or stopped worrying and got pregnant.  Those stories used to make me kind of mad when people would offer them up as a solution.  I knew some of it was meant to be encouragement, but it often felt like judgement, or like it was discrediting what we were doing and what we were going through.  On top of that, how is it even possible?  When you are in the middle of battling this diagnosis, fighting so hard for a  family and someone says…”do nothing, relax, don’t worry.” Really!?!  How does that even work?!.  How do I rip this desire from my heart as if it never was.  How do I ignore this ache from the hole in my life that is the child I don’t have?!? How do you forget this? Ever…?

 After our last failed IVF I was kind of a mess. Yes, we filled our “summer of fun” with some incredible trips.  Things I will remember forever that were a blast and made for great distractions, but the second we were back home and it was me alone with my thoughts, I was right back in that place.  Walking around smiling, faking happy, all the while battling a hollowness that was filling my inside, threatening to swallow me whole.  I would cry randomly and often.  My heart just ached….

I do not attribute this pregnancy to “not worrying or relaxing”. That’s just not our story. In fact I was perhaps the most stressed/sad I had ever been when things happened.    I am giving this one all to God.  There is nothing and clearly no one else that could have made this happen.  We had exhausted our options medically.  We were exploring some alternative natural options, but hadn’t been doing anything long enough to have impacted an outcome.  This was out of the blue.. or was it? This was perfectly planned and timed.  I’m still not at a point where I can say I am thankful for the path that lead us here, but I do know it’s changed us.  It’s made us stronger, better people and a stronger, better couple.  We will be better for this baby, because of what we have been through.  For that I can be thankful.

I am humbled to know that our story/this blog has brought comfort to others going through their own struggles.  I don’t want you for a second to think I have forgotten you.  This blog will likely be taking a turn from infertility treatment to documenting my pregnancy.  The blog was always supposed to be the story of our lives… it just happened to be largely made up of needles and meds. J   Please know that you are all in my thoughts and prayers always.  I will not soon forget what the heartache that is infertility felt like.  I think those may be scars I carry for the rest of my life.  If there is ever anything that I can do for any of you feel free to connect with me.  Wishing you all courage, strength, and peace!