This Shit is Bananas.. or Maybe I Have Just Lost Mine?

So I came home tonight in a fairly good mood, and Austin had made plans for himself.  How dare he! I have asked him to spend time with me this weekend and he won’t make plans with me, so what the hell is he doing making plans to help someone sheetrock? Plus WE need sheetrock and trim and blinds and fans… why is “helping out others” taking priority over helping out us!?! Why is he so selfish?!? Ok .. I am a rational human being... most days…so maybe helping others isn’t so selfish.. it’s actually pretty selfless and I really like that about my husband.  I also really like the Moores (who he is helping) and am sure we will be hanging out at some point in the basement he is helping with… but I am still mad! Why am I so mad? It doesn’t even make sense! And why the hell am I crying? AND WHY IN THE SAM HILL WON’T IT STOP (thank you Papa for the phrase “sam hill”.  By the way, we may have been in grade school, but we know you were saying hell not hill, but I’m rolling with it today. Trying to keep my potty mouth in check) Back to the crying… SHIT SHIT SHIT (oops potty mouth no longer in check!)  It feels like something within me has finally boiled over and I am not so sure I can get the lid back on it! Shitty-shit-shit  now I am laughing while crying.  My poor husband is looking at me like I have grown a second head… no, more like three heads…definitely three.  Get a grip girl...come on.  At this point my husband is just trying to calm me down Perhaps he should have used a different strategy to get through my current psychosis..

Austin:  “Aubrey, go get your nails done.”

Me: (Still crying) “What!?!?! I know they look crappy! I haven’t had them done in forever. Thanks for pointing it out!!!!”  (Now sobbing because on top of everything I have ugly hands)

Austin:   “No, I mean go do something relaxing for yourself, my treat.”

Me:  Still crying… I’m sure this crap will stop soon, but God bless my sweet husband.  He is getting it.. sort of.  I am not crying because I am mad, nor am I crazy, nor do I care if he helps the Moores sheetrock. I am crying because for the past year we have been trying to start a family, for the past six months I have been medicated and still unsuccessful.  I have suffered numerous side effects from said medications (one being out of whack hormones, which I partly blame for this breakdown) I have been poked and prodded and doctors can’t find anything wrong that would be causing any issues. (Which is great, but also frustrating.) My husband has been gone forever and is finally home and I think this may have been one of those moments…remember when you were a little kid and you got hurt and then you would be fine, but then you would see your mom and start crying all over again. (ok… ok.. I still do that as an almost 30 year old adult.), but that is the closest I can come to describing what happened.  It’s like I had built up the wall, trying to be strong, doing my damn best to not feel sorry for myself, (Lord knows there are people out there with worse struggles to face in their lives) and for some reason tonight that wall decided to crumble…ok, I suppose it wasn’t a slow gently crumbling process.  It was definitely more of a violent explosion. (flying debri, loud noises, etc.)  I guess everyone has a breaking point. No part of this journey has been easy.  I am hopeful and sure that God has a plan for us and for some reason this suffering and hardship is a necessity and we will come out the other end of it stronger and better.  Thank God for God! (Can we thank god for himself? Anyways I am..) Without my faith I would see no light at the end of this tunnel, but I know that God is good and he has been good to me.  I put all of my trust in him.  I am glad I had my freak out.  I actually felt a whole heck of a lot better afterwards and it reminded me that I have a loving and supportive husband to also be thankful for.  I am definitely not in this alone.