B-F'n-N

Well another torturous 2 week wait over and another unwanted outcome, yet another BFN.   For those that don’t spend their free time perusing fertility blogs ( I mean… what else do people do all day? ) BFN stands for Big Fat Negative… I can think of another “f” word that feels more appropriate for that stupid little one lined pregnancy test.

Who knew there could be so many acronyms on fertility forums?? I swear it took me a week just to learn the lingo to know what in the hell everyone was talking about.  I suppose there are a lot of people that are thankful for some of them.  Take CM for instance,  nobody really wants to see the word cervical mucus over and over and over. CM is definitely less gross.  So is EWCM…(look that one up :) ) hahaha oh the glorious path that is trying to conceive.

I always think I am prepared to see that lone little line on the pregnancy test.  You would think that after more than a year of them I would be used to it, but it truly isn’t any easier.  It’s devastating and heartbreaking every stinking time. 

I know our day will come and when it does we will be forever grateful to have been given such a precious gift.  I am just really, REALLY, struggling with my patience.  I know everything is in God’s timing, and that the timing serves a greater purpose, but holy moly big guy “I am struggling”  this girl! Me! Aubrey Wiechman! Hello!!! Do you see me down here on earth? Crying, monthly… ok ok maybe a little more often.. like a crazy!!???!!!..... Rant over, back to being rational. 

1.)    This really honestly was the FIRST month that the doctors have been able to create the perfect conditions to create and maintain a pregnancy.  I also know that even in perfect conditions there is only a 25% chance that a woman gets pregnant each cycle. (I know more fertility statistics, than I EVER wanted to.) So statistically… if we can create the same circumstances our time IS COMING SOON!!

2.)   I trust in the Lord with all of my heart.  He knows that I struggle, knows that I will falter, knows that I may experience doubts, knows that I am imperfect, knows that I am feeling like I am quickly approaching my wits end, but he also knows that I am strong, that I am faithful, that I am loved and supported by so many wonderful people, knows that I truly believe in the plan that he has for me and most importantly he knows that I KNOW that his plans are for hope and a future.

My daily devotional, “Jesus is Calling”, has honest to goodness saved my sanity during this whole process.  I really have felt on more than one occasion, that the message was specifically for me for that exact moment.  February 3^rd’s entry was no exception:

“ I will get you safely through this day and all your days.  But you can find Me only in the present.  Each day is a precious gift from My Father.  How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today’s is set before you! Receive today’s gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths.  As you savor this gift, you find me.”

Wow! Right!?!  I have been so focused on so many tomorrows.  I have committed myself to a sort of fertility purgatory. I am always waiting in complete and utter fear for tomorrow.  Will I produce a follicle? Will my lining be thick enough? Will I get my shot? Will I conceive?

Enough already!  I get that this is my struggle and I need to remember to take it a day at a time.  Today I need to open my eyes to the gifts that God has already laid before me. Today, I thank you god for my loving and supportive husband, my equally wonderful family and friends, my incredibly understanding boss, my fur babies, my gorgeous home and my ridiculously awesome life.  You have done a great deal of work in my life and I am eternally thankful.  What the rest of my life is to be is in your hands, and I can rest easing knowing just that. Besides… que, sera, sera.