Monsters

"Whoa! what have we here.... "

Not really the reaction you want your sono tech to have when viewing your insides.... ( I guess she really started with, "your uterine lining looks beautiful".... why thank you.)

"You seem to have one monster follicle...maybe".... sure as shit. There it is a ginormous black hole on the screen. So what exactly does this mean? Hell if anyone knows. It could be a follicle it could be a big ole cyst. It's technically developed too fast and is too large to be either, but it has to be one or the other.  Thank you body for yet another medical mystery!

My blood work didn't reveal any additional information so everything is completely up in the air. However, the mystery blob living on my ovary is big enough that if it is indeed a follicle we don't have time to trigger and/or inseminate. She would be releasing or preparing to release an egg now. (Yes, I give things a gender, he or she based on what I think.  I imagine a big old follicle or cyst as a she.. one big old bad "b" taking up all the hormones, running the "block" or in this case "ovary") (

What do we do about all of this? Nothing... ugh! We wait! AGAIN!

If we don't get pregnant this month, we take another sono to see if that bad beast shrunk. If she didn't, we have to take a month off.  I will definitely be calling her the "b" word if she doesn't disappear.  I can't imagine taking another month off.

Lucky me she isn't the only monster in my life right now.  We have MONSTER spiders all over our car port making MONSTER webs. Yuck.

We also have our 2nd MONSTER toad living in our garage. (I put the first one outside.  I thought maybe he was lost and I wanted to save him)  Apparently MONSTER toads make MONSTER poops. Which is incredibly disgusting.  Google it... seriously it can be pretty big....

Pricks

I have encountered many of these... both the kind that Merriam Webster describes as well as those detailed in the Urban dictionary. Two very different things, and both equally as awful.

As of late I have had more issues with the Merriam Webster kind.  (def. make a small hole in something with a sharp point)

I have had blood draws again and my little veins continue to fail me.  I always get stuck in both arms.  The worst is when they manuver the needle around under the skin trying to find the vein. Yuckity yuck! "Just take the darn thing out and poke me again. It hurts less! I promise! "

I also am doing the Gonal-F shots again. (These are FSH hormone injections that help the ovaries create eggs.)  So far Austin has been able to give me all of my shots. Soemthing about poking myself freaks me out.   Well he was dead asleep last night when I got home, so I decided it was time to buck up and teach myself how to do this.  He starts traveling again and injecting myself was in the inevitable future.

Yep... it's definitely hard to intentionally stab yourself with anything.  My experience went a little like this:

Internal pep talk to mentally prepare. Mind over matter, mind over matter... Breath... no really breath... now grab some skin and stick it in... gently... ouch.. pull that crap out, that hurt! ouch, ouch, ouch... dang it.. I suck at this... I'm such a wuss.  This is nothing! Tiny ass needle! I have tattoos! What's wrong with me... stop... breath some more... let's do this! Stick it in... ouch... ok... push the button... viola! Not so bad right???

I really think the next time will be better... maybe.  I have to say it was pretty liberating, which is mighty strange but true.  I am proud that I conquered my ridiculous fear of needles. (Again, yes I have tattoos, but that seems different. I have been terrified of needles since I was little. Ask my mom, I hid from a nurse and I am pretty sure I sat on her lap for a flue shot... when I was 16.)
I am feeling pretty awesome about myself, which is fitting given the sign I painted at my girls night.  This choice was inspired by my adorable neice Emma who's current fav word is awesome.  She asks all the time.. "Was that awesome?" " Am I awesome?" Yes you are awesome you insanely adorable girl! That led to aunt B introducing her to the most awesome song ever..."Everything is Awesome!"    You are welcome Kylee :)

So the next time I am faced with a seemingly difficult I will turn on Emma's new favorite jam, shake my booty, and remember to be awesome!

Fashionably Fertile... or so I Hope

Sometimes things suck.  ( 1. I know I can be so eloquent with my writing.  2.  I am sure any ladies or men for that matter going through fertility treatments or any sort of life altering experience in which they have absolutely no control, can relate to that statement.) Another month of treatment, needle pokes, sonograms and crazy side effects sucks. Paying full price for the first time for all of my medications... yikes! SUCKS!  Another two week wait ending with the taking of a test, praying to see two little lines sucks.  Knowing at some point(s) (the plural is probably more accurate)  I will probably cry for no reason and/or at a  completely inappropriate time because all of the stress I am under and hormones being pumped into me make me a teensy bit cray cray... plus I am not perfect and tend to feel a little sorry for myself every once in awhile... either way...you guessed it; it sucks.

I heard a song on the radio today "He Said' by Group 1 Crew.  Funny how these things always find a way of coming on right when I need to hear them...The lyrics that really stuck out were:

Clinic Couture...

God keeps his promises.  While I feel like I am definitely being bent. (and those who know me know that I am sooo not bendy.... I can barely touch my toes) I won't be broken.  My life (other than this fertility struggle) ROCKS! My family and friends are amazing, my job, coworkers and boss are incredible, my house is adorable.... I really don't have much to complain about.

So what do we do when things are sucky?  We get a little weird.  :) I come from a a long line of weird, which I am extremely thankful for and have married into even more weird! (Trust me all of you I am calling weird I mean it as the most high of compliments.  Oops, I didn't actually call you out... ok... Mom, Kathy, Kylee, Amanda, Ashley and Ayrin. Hell throw in Hurley and Emma, my sweet little nieces. They are next generation weird. :) hehehe! It's officially out there... you are all incredibly strange and I love each of you for it.  You remind me daily not to take myself too seriously. Life is gift and it is meant to be enjoyed. Thank you for the fun and light that you bring into my world :)  I will rock this paper drape for as many months as I have to as Austin and I work to build a family.  You guys make it all a little easier!

Positive Negatives

So today was test day... dun dun dun (insert scary music here). This two week wait seemed to drag on forever!  Unfortunately I was faced with another single line on that stupid little stick. The Negative test...  I always think I am prepared to see it, I plan on seeing it, I am not super surprised when I do, but it never stops sucking.  At least I didn't cry until a little later. Apparently my brain needed time to decide that this was a sad thing.

Onward we go!  When I put on my rational cap :) (which is extremely fashionable... let me tell you)  I can remember that this was our first full cycle at the center and not many people get pregnant their first time.  They are essentially creating the perfect circumstances for it to happen, but it's not a guarantee.  They are just trying to level the playing field so that we have the same chances a couple without fertility issues has, which believe it or not is relatively small. Only 15-25%!  I know, I know we are all wondering that with odds so slim how the hell do all these other people do it? Ok, maybe you don't wonder but I do... some days... when I am feeling crabby about having to be medicated, injected, sonogrammed and stabbed each month. :) Well however these babies happen they really are miracles.  The odds are so slim, but still people are blessed daily with little humans.  God is great and his miracles are many!

So if we are talking odds, like at the black jack table in Vegas (Definitely not the craps table, that one is waaay too iffy, but black jack you always seem to win at least one hand) one would suppose that a few more cycles of creating the perfect scenario for pregnancy would work.  Fingers, toes and eyeballs crossed we only have to do this one more time!

On the positive side of this negative test, my incredible husband surprised me with the second bouquet of flowers he has ever sent me! (The last one was 7 years ago)  He is out of town for work, but wanted to brighten my day. He knows this journey has been wearing on me. Love you hubs!

Check, Check and Check

Still in the middle of the 2 week wait.  I wish there was some way to avoid this insanely slow moving and seemingly never ending time frame every month...  It's two weeks of waiting, wondering, worrying, and watching every little thing that happens to your body in hopes that it is a sign of pregnancy.  What I wouldn't give to wake up vomiting for the next few weeks.:) So gross, but so true!

So you google.. mistake number one, then you try to determine which of and how many of the common pregnancy symptoms you have because maybe if you have some you might be pregnant.... thinking like this is mistake number two.  You would have thought I learned the googling lesson long ago, but it gives me something to do while I wait.

1.) Fatigued/tired- Check! Duh everyday since I graduated college I have felt fatigued and/or tired... maybe because I am a grown up that works all day and then comes home to take care of a house, 2 dogs and a husband, or maybe I am  pregnant?

2.) Bloating/Gas- Check! Maybe it's just because I ate Chipotle last night, but maybe I'm pregnant?

3.) Cramps-  Check! Maybe it's because I can't really tell the difference between cramping and some of my gas issues caused by excessively eating Chipotle, or maybe I'm pregnant?

4.) Backaches- Check!  Maybe my back hurts because I sit in an office chair all day, or because I helped carry crap tons of heavy sod outside, or maybe I'm pregnant?

5.) Vivid Dreams- Check!  Maybe this is a hereditary thing because I here from my mom and sisters daily about wierd ass things that they see while snoozing, or maybe I am pregnant.

So... according to Google I could be pregnant, or I could just be a normal person.  I am pretty sure just about anyone... male, female, young, old and everyone in between could be pregnant on any given day based on these symptoms... Any who I have resolved to accept each day as it comes and to not think to hard about whatever funky-do things my body is up to.  Time will tell all I need to know... I just wish time would hurry the hell up.