Put Your Boobs Away

If you read my previous post, you know that last week was a little rough and quite the emotional roller coaster.  I forgot to share the other super not fun thing that took place.

Thursday, the day I shot myself up at Target, the day that I was an emotional disaster... remember this?  I had a speaking engagement. I  was scheduled to sit in on a panel at a summit.  A BREAST FEEDING SUMMIT.  

I hadn't thought too hard about this.  It's a summit during which stake holders gather to find ways to increase the number of women breastfeeding.  It's discussing and developing strategies to overcome barriers that impact those that can and/or do breast feed. Barriers like socioeconomic status, access to care and supplies etc.   Not a huge deal. It's a professional summit. 

I enter the building... post crazy morning, self injection and cry fest to find multiple babies strapped to people.  Ok, thank goodness I've cried it all out today. How embarrassing to cry at something like this surrounded by professionals and colleagues. Nope no tears from this gal, actually my emotions seem to have flip flopped.  These babies aren't making me sad  or filling me with a sense of longing... these babies are flat out pissing me off.  Why are you little people at a summit??? I understand that it involves you... sort of in a very round about way, but you can't add to the conversation, you can't do anything about these issues, so why the hell are you here. why don't you take your little bald heads and binkies back home WHERE YOU BELONG?!?!

UGH! ( I know... here comes that crazy train again) At least I am able to keep this inner dialogue to myself. (Clearly I have no beef with babies in general.  I love babies and I desperately want one of my own) It's just today I'm mad at these babies. After being forced to ohhh and ahhh over how cute these little asshole that I don't even know are.. (again, babies take no offense, you are actually quite adorable, I just hate you today.. tomorrow or maybe even an hour later I would probably really like you) we move to our breakouts.  

Finally, now its business time.  I seat myself next to my fellow panelists at the front of the room, we begin taking turns presenting.  I am giving my spiel to the group and I see a BOOB! Yes, that is not a typo.  There in the very front of the group, literally 4 feet away from me is a woman breastfeeding.... WITH NO COVER... do you recall we are at a professional summit?!?  Again, I know this is a summit about breastfeeding but this isn't a breastfeeding party where we all pull our tits out for fun!!! What in the hell is happening here?? I am sooooo unbelievably distracted.  Had she just covered up a tiny bit, had I not seen a flash of nipple, this wouldn't be so uncomfortable... Now not only am I pissed at your baby, I am pissed at YOU, you the breastfeeding, boob baring biatch. (Ok mothers, don't get mad at my rant. I  am a huge advocate and supporter for breastfeeding, I am educated and understand the health benefits for baby and mom, I hope to breastfeed my own child someday)Yes, I am extra emotional, and a little emotionally irrational due to my own circumstances,but fertile or not I DO NOT WANT TO BE FLASHED AT A SUMMIT!!! They make cute covers for this, hell use a burp cloth or a receiving blanket or the sweater you have on, but KEEP YOUR BOOBS TO YOURSELF!!! Please and thank you :) 

T-H-R-E-E

This Wednesday I had my second monthly sonogram to check on the development of my follies.  I was surprised when my sono tech/ nurse gave a little celebratory woo hoo... (you would think this would be wierd... a wand up your hoo ha and the person on the other end of it saying woo hoo...) Not that a sono is super fun and deserves that kind of reaction often, but this one did.  I was told my lining looked... drum roll please... beautiful. (Why thank you!)  and that I have three follicles... THREE FOLLICLES!!!! I have never had more than one.  (There have been a few times that I have had one dominant and one close to the right size... but never more than one large one)  This time I have two that are the same size and one right behind.  This means more eggs and a better chance that one will take!  Ok, I'm joining my nurses celebration... WOO HOO!

We finally have figured out what the perfect combination of drugs is for me. My monthly cocktail was as follows:

Cycle Days 3-7:
Femara;  7.5 mg(That is 3 pills which is the most I have ever taken)
Cycle Day 2 & 4:
Gonal Injections:  (They moved each up a day)
Cycle Day 5-Test day:
Estrogen (yay more hormones!)

After this regimen, I had my super awesome sono and saw my 3 large follies.  I was instructed to take my Ovidrel injection that night.  I go to the fridge to retrieve the shot that evening and it is GONE!  I mean nowhere to be seen. I tear the fridge apart... nothing, nothing... NOTHING! WHERE THE HELL IS IT???  Now I am panicked and crying hysterically.  Think, think think Aubrey. I would never throw that away never.. right?  Ok, I did clean out the fridge this week, but no way would I have tossed something so important.  Out to the dumpster I go and I dig. Now I stink, I have garbage on me and I'm crying.  I am also  mad super pissed off.  I kick the step. (Our steps are cement... dumb dumb dumb) My toenail cracks... now I am crying harder because my toe hurts.  In an absolute panic I phone the doctor on call.  I know this is not an emergency and he probably doesn't carry around ovulation inducing medications in his pocket, but I had to do something. It was a good decision.  He was able to bring me back from the land of crazy, assure me that based on the size of my follicles tomorrow would be an ok day to take the shot.  Thank you doctor I foget your name, but I think you just saved my sanity... for now.

The next day I begin calling the center the second I know they open and they left their answering machine on!  I feel my stress level going up. I start driving their direction, calling all the while.  Answering machine over and over! COME ON I KNOW YOU ARE OPEN!! (I feel the crazy train quickly approaching again) I get to the center and get into the office, see my nurse and start crying immediately.  They are so incredibly sweet and help calm me down.  She finds another injection at Target and assures me that today is an ok day to take it. Off I go in search of my new Ovidrel shot.

I get to Target pay for my shot,which was THREE times it's normal cost! Ack... I about threw up, but this is my only chance to fix this this month... and I'll be damned if I voluntarily blow a month off. I buy it and go outside.  I was instructed to inject it immediately. "Hello Target shoppers! Don't mind me shooting up in the parking lot!"  This is the first time I had administered this shot to myself.  My other one is more like an Epi pen. Little needle push button. Easy peasy...ish...  This one is a big ole honking needle with a syringe. You know I meant business when I didn't have the slightest problem doing it.  I think I was running on pure adrenaline.

So... shot went in.  IUI was still scheduled for last Friday. All went well and now starts yet another 2 week wait.

Meds added to my list:
Daily progesterone post IUI

I just noticed there seems to be a 3 theme going on for us.  3 Femara pills, 3 follicles (which could mean 3 eggs), 3x the cost of the Ovidrel (Which was in the $300 range) and this is our 3rd IUI which took place 3 days before Austin's 31st birthday (ok that last one isn't technically a 3, but there is a 3 involved) .  hmmm... :)

Ding Dong the Cyst is Dead!

YES! FINALLY! Something has gone our way.  We can say sayonara to that big old cyst that put a kink into last months treatment.

Very excited to be moving forward.  Although this month they are trying to increase my meds, and push the timeline on my injections up to get a few more follies out of me.  Sono next week to see how all of this worked.  Will keep you posted!

Sometimes Facebook Is Insightful

I think I might still pray for both :)

I May be a Crazy Cry Baby but....

I am also a badass.  I catch mice, I take down monster spider webs with freakishly huge spiders on them, I sweep up toad poop (Yes they poop and they poop big...I know not so bad ass but sooo gross and someone has to do it), I landscape and my newest accomplishment..... I paint houses or at least my house... :)

Let me tell you, this was no easy feat.  I am apparently a teensy bit afraid of heights. (Add that to the list... bugs with sticky legs i.e crickets & June bugs and coyotes. Yes, these are totally irrational fears, I know)

We only have an 8' ladder and as you can see our house is a little taller than that.  It took me standing on the next to top rung clinging to the roof for dear life to complete this task.  Let me tell you, if ever there was a recipe for disaster.... Me + a ladder + a paint bucket.

Luckily the house is done and there are only a few tiny paint splatters on the driveway. (Sorry Austin, I bought a drop cloth... shit happens)

Cry me a River...

I will do you one better Justin Timberlake... I will cry you a whole damn lake! I can finally write this post without continuing to cry. Yesterday was rough and it has definitely been a tearful week, but I think it is out of my system... for now.

I absolutely hate crying. I hate everything about crying. It ruins your makeup, it makes your eyes puffy and red (especially my baby blues... I can't hide anything!), it gives you a headache, it makes you sleepy and it makes me feel weak. (Trust me this is still one of my prettier cries)

Yes I know, I totally took a picture... which is sort of weird... sad selfie.. not so cute, but its real.  This journey is rough and it's overwhelming most of the time.  I want to remember this struggle someday... I want my future child to know just how wished for he/she/they was/were. I also hope to be brave enough to share my story more publicly to let others going through similar struggles know how they feel is completely normal and ok and not to let anyone tell them otherwise. This stuff is hard and it's horribly, terribly, awfully sad at times. You are completely at the mercy of God and the  universe. There is nothing you can do and it makes you feel beyond vulnerable and helpless.

I really pride myself in the way I am handling everything which is for the most part well or as well as one can. (I know I'm not perfect at it, and I know my emotions have gotten the best of me some, but how couldn't they?)  I write my cutesy blog posts and I make light of things and try to be funny, but there is definitely a very ugly side to infertility.

It can make you sad, angry, bitter, envious, hateful, hopeless and depressed at times.  I hate even admitting that, because none of those are characteristics or feelings I want to have or want others to see in me.  I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone in those feelings and that they are completely normal for someone in my situation.  If you read other blogs with similar struggles or talk to women that have been through this you will hear similar stories.  It's just hard to convey what I am feeling at any given moment to others.  So many things trigger my unflattering array emotions.

Yesterday I took my thirtieth something pregnancy test and got my thirtieth something single line indicating yet another month that I won't be becoming a mom.  It's heartbreaking.  People say don't worry.. but how realistic is that? My life is a series of two week waits.  Two weeks of fertility meds, sonos, and injections. Follow by two more weeks of hormones and waiting.  I live every day with the fact that I have some mysterious medical issue... I don't ovulate on my own for some stupid reason.  All the well wishing, positive thinking warm and fuzzies in the world won't make that go away.  I am on this path, I have accepted it, and I try to make the best of it, but it is super easy to be caught off guard.

A pregnancy announcement on facebook, a big pregnant belly at the grocery store, holding a niece... all of those things can make me feel super happy, but depending on the day they can just as easily make me sad. You can't stop your head from wondering.. are these things I will experience someday for myself? Is it just not in the cards for me? (an EXTREMELY depressing thought and scenario to even toy with so I DO NOT allow myself to venture too far down that path)  Keeping your faith is extremely difficult.  I believe in God I believe in his plans for me, but sometimes those plans suck.  Right now, this path sucks.  I don't know how many more single lined sticks I can look at.  It's horribly depressing, but I am not a quitter and we are so new to the clinic (Rational hat on...this is only my 3rd cycle of treatment there and only one went sort of ok and it didn't include any injections)  Fingers, eyeballs and toes crossed that my cyst is gone and we get to move forward. Prayers for strength, faith and positivity are much appreciated.

Sometimes you need a little reminder....

I am Cray Cray

Oh nooooo! It's happening again... these hormones and lack of sleep do nothing for my sanity (or what's left of it...) The flood gates have opened and I am crying... at work and I don't even really know why. Ugh! I feel like such a weirdo! I am sure I look it as well. Even when I gain my composure my blue eyes don't hide anything! They are scary bright red. These, thankfully few and far between instances of uncontrollable tear ducts can still make office life super uncomfortable...

Casual convos in passing in the halls; (Post weirdly uncontrollaby no reason cry fest)

Chamber staff person: "Hey! How are you?"
Me: Staring at my toes.  "I am good, thank you!"  ( In my head... walk fast don't give her time to talk more... please stop talking, please stop talking please stop talking....  not giving eye contact is sooo rude, but you don't want me to look... please don't ask me anything else..."
Chamber staff person:  " What did you do this weekend?"
Me: (In my mind "UGH! NOOO! Keep looking at your feet.) " Oh lots. It was pretty busy" (Crap... I have to ask how hers was and I have to stop staring at my toes... I am seeming soooo rude... ok here ya go!)  I look up... My bright red eyeballs on full display. I smile extra big to maybe counteract the sad with happy, but I just look super scary I'm sure.  " How was yours?"
Chamber Staff : "Oh it was great,gotta run!"

Great I am freaking people out, myself included. Come on Wiechman pull it together. Nothing sad has happpend today. Maybe it was all the Zoobilee bellies and I am just now thinking about them, maybe it's the fact I had to go home because I forgot my vaginal progesterone stick, (Something most people don't need in their pursers or vagina's), maybe it's all the baby photos on facebook, maybe it's the fact that another pregnancy test is coming up and that single line is looming over my head, or maybe it's just that I'm a tiny bit cray cray. 

I just received the following story in an email from one of my very dear friends:

"I had a dream last Spring that I met my future child.  She was an adorable blond baby girl, and she told me that she lives in heaven right now and she took a lot of time looking at different mommies before she picked me as her future mommy because she knows that we will need each other.  She also said that she chose me because of my little sister, because she will need her too.  I don’t know what this means, but to me it saws that there is a lot of thought that goes into choosing the right babies for the right future mommies, and your baby just isn’t ready yet.  He or she might still be in heaven getting to know all the family up there before they head down here to earth to meet you and Austin. " 

Crap... I am crying all over again.  This email couldn't have come at a better time though.  I know you all probably get sick of hearing how fortunate and blessed I am. ( Which totally contradicts my posts  in which I throw myself pity parties for all of my fertility struggles ) but damn it, I am.  I have wonderful friends in my life that know just what to say at just the right time.  It's so easy to forget that there is a bigger picture to our lives and a greater plan in the making for each of us. Today I am thankful for friends and their friendly reminders.

No News is No News

Ack... I have been on a blogging hiatus!  I don't have much to report at this point.  I am in yet ANOTHER two week wait.  Weird things have happened during this one too.  I guess weird things happen every time so perhaps I should begin calling them normal things since I haven't had one cycle that has seemed to go "to plan".   I have had some abnormal spotting, bleeding, stuff (things that I won't go into great detail describing to save you any sort of mental image that may scar you forever) happening.   After a call with the nurse these sound consist ant with the rupture of the "mystery growth", which most likely means it was a cyst.  As always... only time can tell.  Damn you time!

I have been fortunate to have at least been kept pretty busy this month.  We poured our PATIO!  Which is incredible.  The weather has been perfect for spending lots of time hanging out relaxing on it. (Relaxing is definitely something I could do more of!)


I also had Zoobilee this weekend.  (It's a huge fundraiser for the Wichita Zoo.  I volunteer on the silent auction committee and help with set up)  It's a ton of fun and the weather and the company I had couldn't have been more perfect.  ( Well Austin getting to go would have made it better, but other than that it was fab!)  I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many amazing people.  My friends are the best and can always distract me from life's not so fun happenings.

Next on the agenda... projects!  I have siding and a living room to paint! Will post pictures of the progress!