I absolutely hate crying. I hate everything about crying. It ruins your makeup, it makes your eyes puffy and red (especially my baby blues... I can't hide anything!), it gives you a headache, it makes you sleepy and it makes me feel weak. (Trust me this is still one of my prettier cries)Yes I know, I totally took a picture... which is sort of weird... sad selfie.. not so cute, but its real. This journey is rough and it's overwhelming most of the time. I want to remember this struggle someday... I want my future child to know just how wished for he/she/they was/were. I also hope to be brave enough to share my story more publicly to let others going through similar struggles know how they feel is completely normal and ok and not to let anyone tell them otherwise. This stuff is hard and it's horribly, terribly, awfully sad at times. You are completely at the mercy of God and the universe. There is nothing you can do and it makes you feel beyond vulnerable and helpless.
I really pride myself in the way I am handling everything which is for the most part well or as well as one can. (I know I'm not perfect at it, and I know my emotions have gotten the best of me some, but how couldn't they?) I write my cutesy blog posts and I make light of things and try to be funny, but there is definitely a very ugly side to infertility.
It can make you sad, angry, bitter, envious, hateful, hopeless and depressed at times. I hate even admitting that, because none of those are characteristics or feelings I want to have or want others to see in me. I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone in those feelings and that they are completely normal for someone in my situation. If you read other blogs with similar struggles or talk to women that have been through this you will hear similar stories. It's just hard to convey what I am feeling at any given moment to others. So many things trigger my unflattering array emotions.
Yesterday I took my thirtieth something pregnancy test and got my thirtieth something single line indicating yet another month that I won't be becoming a mom. It's heartbreaking. People say don't worry.. but how realistic is that? My life is a series of two week waits. Two weeks of fertility meds, sonos, and injections. Follow by two more weeks of hormones and waiting. I live every day with the fact that I have some mysterious medical issue... I don't ovulate on my own for some stupid reason. All the well wishing, positive thinking warm and fuzzies in the world won't make that go away. I am on this path, I have accepted it, and I try to make the best of it, but it is super easy to be caught off guard.
A pregnancy announcement on facebook, a big pregnant belly at the grocery store, holding a niece... all of those things can make me feel super happy, but depending on the day they can just as easily make me sad. You can't stop your head from wondering.. are these things I will experience someday for myself? Is it just not in the cards for me? (an EXTREMELY depressing thought and scenario to even toy with so I DO NOT allow myself to venture too far down that path) Keeping your faith is extremely difficult. I believe in God I believe in his plans for me, but sometimes those plans suck. Right now, this path sucks. I don't know how many more single lined sticks I can look at. It's horribly depressing, but I am not a quitter and we are so new to the clinic (Rational hat on...this is only my 3rd cycle of treatment there and only one went sort of ok and it didn't include any injections) Fingers, eyeballs and toes crossed that my cyst is gone and we get to move forward. Prayers for strength, faith and positivity are much appreciated.
Sometimes you need a little reminder....
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