To All of You

I have been lucky enough to go through my entire life feeling loved.  I have an incredible family that has been there for me for as long as I can remember and even before that. (I have the baby photos and videos to prove it... except for my first birthday... apparently mom on occasion loved some things more than me... like the Golden Girls :) I kid mom.  I just like to tease you about your oops:) )   No, seriously I am not being a bragasaurous, but I have had an incredible life full of support and love.  I married a man that adores me (most days:) , I have two dogs that look at me like I walk on water (I swear I can see it in their eyes), I never could have imagined how close I would be with my in laws (I know some people get not so great ones, but I truly love mine and not just because I have to haha :) I have some of the most amazing friends as well, that have stuck by me even though I have been pretty baby focused over the last two years. All of these people have been there for me and loved me through this difficult time.  Then there are the people that I didn't really know or still have never met, but this blog has brought them into my life, people that care about my journey and are praying for me and our embies.

I really really truly truly (DOUBLE EMPHASIS) am blessed, and I know it, I have known it.  I just didn't know how much I would need it until now.

To all of you that have followed our story and offered your love, support and prayers... thank you from the very bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul.  You are all incredible and so precious to me.  On days that I feel my strength waining, I return to the messages you have sent and have taken comfort in knowing how many prayers are reaching God on my behalf.  My hope in publicizing this blog was to shed some light on infertility, but what I have found is that each of you have been a light on my sometimes dark path.  I am eternally grateful.

 

The Hardest

On our way to retrieval!

 Wow... I am sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. This last part of the cycle has gone so fast that I have not and am still not sure how to process everything.

I left off last post with egg retrieval..

We went to the surgery center like old pros this time.  We knew exactly what to expect, what was going to happen.







1.) Strip and put on this ugly well ventilated dress
2.) Go Pee
3.) Get poked ( IV time)
4.) Talk to the doctor, anesthesiologists and a hand full of nurses. ( You aren't crazy.. they are indeed asking you the same questions over and over. Glad to know they are covering their bases... yes I am me and no I don't have a latex allergy..yes I am me... for sure)
5.)Wait around while hubs tries your heart rate finger monitor on
6.) Pee again
7.) Put on your fancy hat and head back for surgery. Your vagina takes center stage under the bright overhead lights and then you drift off to a happy place after some super burny meds enter your arm.
8.) Wake up talking gibberish ( this time I was also crying... yay! I am a complete weirdo)
9.) Head home and wait for updates

This time we had 11 eggs retrieved.  We found out Friday that 10 were mature and 7 fertilized! WOO HOO 7 embies! Last time we only had four. This is incredible, or at least it was for a hot second.   Saturday I received the devastating news that 5 our little embies were not going to make it.

That left 2 embies.  Two glorious good looking embies to work with. The embryologists recommended a Sunday transfer (3-day transfer), so transfer we did.

Both embies were placed safely into my lovely looking uterus around 9:45am Sunday morning.

Our whole world... and it fits in a petri dish...

Now we wait. I have only been waiting four days and this has by far been the hardest wait for me to date ( I have had 2 years of two week waits so that's saying something).  I think that's why it took me so long to blog again.  Things aren't always roses and sunshine, hope and happiness.  This road can be dark and dreary full of terror and doubt.  I find myself venturing into all of these realities even more this time.  Those two little embies are it for us... at least for awhile.  They are our hopes and our dreams, they are our love and our prayers,  They are our past and our future.  The terrifying thing is they may never be more than embies.  They may never be our bright blue eyed cuddly baby... but they could be.  They may never be late night feedings or diaper changes, but they could be. They may never be giggles and lullabys/death metal serenades from daddy (every baby's dream haha!) , but they could be.

This is my life right now. This is every second of every minute of every day. This is my two week wait.  It's the hope of everything I want mixed with the fear of everything I may never have.

This is the wait that has damn near done me in.  It has convinced me that battling infertility is absolutely not for the weak of heart.  It will challenge your faith, your marriage, your courage, your self worth, your view of the world, but it will also solidify each of these things for you.  There is good mixed in with the bad, you just have to work to find it!

To the women that have fought this battle before me. God Bless you.  You are incredible in ways most people couldn't possible comprehend.

To the women That will fight this battle after me.  Have faith and keep going.  I know it can be horrible and hard, but the decision to even attempt this journey shows that you have a a strength in you that is unmatchable. Regardless of the outcome you will be ok, because you have the courage to do what so many cannot, fight for your dream.  You can do this! You will survive this!

Ding Ding Ding... Round 2!

Holy cow! We are DONE stimming.  No more meds!  Things still are looking much better this time.  I had two sonos this week.  Lots of little follies on BOTH ovaries.  My estrogen continues to climb. It was over 1600 yesterday.  Last cycle it bottomed out at 1000 and started dropping, which was why my retrieval was scheduled, not because the follicles were the size they really wanted them to be.

Last time mixing meds... hopefully forever!

Last Round of Meds!

Last Blood Draw

Retrieval is schedules for TOMORROW! EEk!  We did my trigger shot yesterday.  It is the first of many to go in my bum.  Oh yes, the dreaded booty shots are back this week. I have my awesome magic marker circles on  my bbackside just in time for bikini weather :)                                                                                                         I am sure they will make for some pretty awesome pool dialogue.I am definitely getting nervous.  I know things have gone better, but it is still pretty scary.  I am just praying that the trend of things going better continues and we have eggs that are of good quality so that they can create healthy embryos!  

"Rest in me my child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen.  Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day.  Remember that you are on a journey with Me."  - Jesus is Calling, Sarah Young

That moment that your devotional puts you in check! :) Still praying for healthy eggs, but adding patience, courage and the ability to let go and give it to GOD to the list :) 

IT"S ALIVE!!!!

Lefty is alive! Not only is she alive, but she is kicking ass! :)   I had my first sono of this IVF cycle today.  I didn't realize how nervous I was until I was sitting in the waiting room.  My leg wouldn't stop shaking, I was sweating and couldn't decide if I was going to cry or have diarrhea. Yep, I was that nervous.  This sono was a VERY BIG DEAL.  Last cycle my left ovary did NOTHING. Not a flipping thing, not one teeny tiny follicle.  It just sat back and made righty do all of the heavy lifting (growing).  My fear going into this sonogram was that the same thing was happening.  If the same thing was happening, my bigger fear was that we would be closer to a diagnosis for me.  The even bigger fear then was that the diagnosis would be premature ovarian failure, which there is no reversing or coming back from. There would be no hope of us being that couple that maybe had some failed IVF cycles then adopted then magically had a baby of their own.  No that diagnosis is pretty much it.  Your ovaries and reproductive system are just going kaput and there is nothing you and all of the naturally acne causing supplements can do about it.

Magic Stick...we meet again!

Today I saw follies.  Beautiful follies growing on my previously lazy ovary. (sorry lefty, I know you have done a lot of work over the last few years, but you really let me down last cycle... I am SOOOO proud of you right now though!)  I asked if we were looking at the right ovary (weird, you would think that you could tell which way the magic want is pointing, but it all kind of feels the same up in there) My nurse said nope that's the left and there are... wait for it... wait... "quite a few follicles I am seeing".  I immediately begin crying my very happy tears and then we begin laughing together.  She asked, "Did you ever think your ovary would make you so happy you would cry?".  No, no I didn't.  Never before this process did I really give a crap what my ovaries were doing.  I could never have imagined how precious they are and how much they do.

Grow follies grow!

Righty was doing just fine this time too.

Current Totals:

Right ovary- 6 follicles
Left ovary - 8

(Last cycle this time there were 4 on the right and none on the left)

These still may not be "ideal" numbers. ( I am not even sure if there is such a thing this stuff is so individualized), but they are mine and so far things are looking better for us this time.

Now praying they continue to progress and grow and that they are working on giving us some very healthy eggs.

My estrogen was also up from 63 to 234 which I was told was a good rise! (with an exclamation point)  Today is a good day and we will celebrate it's blessing which GOD has bestowed upon us.  I don't know what tomorrow or the rest of this cycle holds for us, but today is good. Very. Very. Good. I can definitely work with that!

yes... I look happpy crazy and slightly confused... partly because I forget where the actual camera is on my phone sometimes and mostly because that was how I was feeling after the appointment.  I am excited and hopeful and still a little freaked out about the rest of this cycle!   More to come!

I Forgot What I Was Doing

So did Austin. One would think that after the umpteen injections last cycle that this cycle would be super easy.  Like riding a bike... you just pick up right where you left off. Not so much. My first set of injections I used a needle instead of a Q-cap  (it's a little tool you use to move meds from one vial to another and draw them back up completely so you don't miss any fluid) which meant I had to start over.  I also didn't get the dang air bubble out so I had to re inject. (3 pokes for 1 shot ) the second poke it was like the needle had dulled. Kylee and I couldn't stop laughing because my skin was dented in, but the darn thing would go through. It was one of those. I'm not sure why I'm laughing moments because this hurts like hell. Inappropriate and out of place laughter is pretty common when my family is involved. :)

Austin did my shots the second day.  Whew, now I can't screw them up! (Well that part is right, but who says he can't!?!)   He mixed and prepped everything perfectly, but I think he was remembering my booty shots. Those require a little more umph, to get the big needle all the way in.  I felt like a frickin dart board.  He came at me like we were in a dark alley and he wanted my wallet.  It kind of felt like I had been stabbed.  It was a loving stab of course. (You are wonderful hubs and I appreciate you poking me... even when it hurts for a whole day)  Note to selves and anyone giving anyone a shot for fertility purposes:

Tummy Shots = tiny jab       Booty Shots = medium-ish jab

Round three of shots went perfectly. Austin is after all a shot giving rock star he just needed a warm up round to get back into the swing of things. So my pictures aren't very exciting this round.   We started at a super high dose and have done the same thing every day:

300 IU Gonal
150 IU Menopur

I went in for blood work Monday and my estrogen was at a 63. Last cycle this time it was less than 10 so I am hopeful that things are going a little better this round :) I have a sono on Wednesday and more blood work that will tell us more about how things are shaping up this time.