The Hardest

On our way to retrieval!

 Wow... I am sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. This last part of the cycle has gone so fast that I have not and am still not sure how to process everything.

I left off last post with egg retrieval..

We went to the surgery center like old pros this time.  We knew exactly what to expect, what was going to happen.







1.) Strip and put on this ugly well ventilated dress
2.) Go Pee
3.) Get poked ( IV time)
4.) Talk to the doctor, anesthesiologists and a hand full of nurses. ( You aren't crazy.. they are indeed asking you the same questions over and over. Glad to know they are covering their bases... yes I am me and no I don't have a latex allergy..yes I am me... for sure)
5.)Wait around while hubs tries your heart rate finger monitor on
6.) Pee again
7.) Put on your fancy hat and head back for surgery. Your vagina takes center stage under the bright overhead lights and then you drift off to a happy place after some super burny meds enter your arm.
8.) Wake up talking gibberish ( this time I was also crying... yay! I am a complete weirdo)
9.) Head home and wait for updates

This time we had 11 eggs retrieved.  We found out Friday that 10 were mature and 7 fertilized! WOO HOO 7 embies! Last time we only had four. This is incredible, or at least it was for a hot second.   Saturday I received the devastating news that 5 our little embies were not going to make it.

That left 2 embies.  Two glorious good looking embies to work with. The embryologists recommended a Sunday transfer (3-day transfer), so transfer we did.

Both embies were placed safely into my lovely looking uterus around 9:45am Sunday morning.

Our whole world... and it fits in a petri dish...

Now we wait. I have only been waiting four days and this has by far been the hardest wait for me to date ( I have had 2 years of two week waits so that's saying something).  I think that's why it took me so long to blog again.  Things aren't always roses and sunshine, hope and happiness.  This road can be dark and dreary full of terror and doubt.  I find myself venturing into all of these realities even more this time.  Those two little embies are it for us... at least for awhile.  They are our hopes and our dreams, they are our love and our prayers,  They are our past and our future.  The terrifying thing is they may never be more than embies.  They may never be our bright blue eyed cuddly baby... but they could be.  They may never be late night feedings or diaper changes, but they could be. They may never be giggles and lullabys/death metal serenades from daddy (every baby's dream haha!) , but they could be.

This is my life right now. This is every second of every minute of every day. This is my two week wait.  It's the hope of everything I want mixed with the fear of everything I may never have.

This is the wait that has damn near done me in.  It has convinced me that battling infertility is absolutely not for the weak of heart.  It will challenge your faith, your marriage, your courage, your self worth, your view of the world, but it will also solidify each of these things for you.  There is good mixed in with the bad, you just have to work to find it!

To the women that have fought this battle before me. God Bless you.  You are incredible in ways most people couldn't possible comprehend.

To the women That will fight this battle after me.  Have faith and keep going.  I know it can be horrible and hard, but the decision to even attempt this journey shows that you have a a strength in you that is unmatchable. Regardless of the outcome you will be ok, because you have the courage to do what so many cannot, fight for your dream.  You can do this! You will survive this!