I Survived

I survived a whole week... I know, I know, big whoop, but for some reason this week was different. It was hard and slow.  It was sad and frustrating. It was full of  frequent and unwelcome tears and a dull ache in my chest.   I can't for the life of me pinpoint exactly why.  It just was.  It could be that my husband has been gone for work, it could have been the ever present birth/pregnancy announcements, it could have been my sister-in-law's approaching baby shower, it could have been a fear of an upcoming new doctor appointment.

My guess it was all of those, mixed with the fact that my "summer of fun" wall was crumbling.  I could feel it.  I had laid a foundation of laughter and adventure and built upon it a wall of  strength and indifference, but I had forgotten a crucial element. Hope is the mortar that had held my heart and soul together, and yet I had not included it in the construction of my wall.

I had promised my husband, I would not worry, I would have fun. I would be patient and carefree. I wanted so much to do this for him and for us.  The only way I knew to not worry was to give up hope.  To live for the day and the moment. (Not that these are always bad things, they are important to do), but without hope for a future what good is right now?

Though my wall had been built tall to keep my emotions at bay and a smile on my face, it was flimsy and crashing down.  I could feel myself scrambling to hold things together grappling for pieces to shove back into place, but my efforts were futile .  A wall with no mortar will not stand, and a life without hope is no life.

This week I learned a lesson, a very important one.  There is no hiding from your heart and there is no need to.  It is the very essence of our being and when blocked off or ignored you very quickly loose yourself.  My strength does not come from "not caring".  I do not smile, because my heart is happy.  My strength and happiness come from the knowing that someday my hurts won't hurt so bad and my heart is always healing.  They come from having hope that one day this will all make sense and that all of these weird ass pieces of my life, the good and the bad will seamlessly fall together.

Until then I will be living in the moment WITH hope for the future :)

*** I know, I know my last post ended with " I will be out living" but i promise that little bit of  hope makes a BIG difference in the kind of living you do  :)

Adventures Lately

For all of the ick moments (you know the ones that make you want to cry, barf or yell) I have experienced in the last 2.5 years there are double if not quadruple the number of woo hoo ones. (ya know the ones that make you want to laugh, happy cry or just honestly yell Woo HOOOOO at the top of your lungs)

We are still in full force "summer of fun mode" and have continued to stay very busy, I just haven't had time to post about it. We have had some event every weekend for the last month and that pattern continues through mid October, which is A-Ok with us since it's all super fun stuff!

I traveled to KC for my dear friend, Thea's Bridal/Bachelorette extravaganza.  It was a day full of celebrating the beautiful woman she is inside and out and her upcoming nuptials.  I am so happy that she has found her forever "friend"/ hubs. It was wonderful to catch up with friends I hadn't seen in FOREVER, as in years.  Seeing them made me realize just how much I had missed them.

We spent Labor Day weekend at the lake with friends and family.  We  went boating, tubing,( which I am beginning to feel to old for, I spent a week on the heating pad) and to the races.
.

Captain or Pilot? Hard to tell here...

Hubba Hubba hubs :) xoxo

Kim and Kathy! 

I got to spend extra time with my niece, Hurley, who as of right now thinks I am pretty cool.  I will take it as long as I can get it.  I am sure the day will come when she is older and I'm even older which automatically makes me lame.  Here's to hoping for forever coolness :)

 I know the races may not sound like much fun to some folks, but we have made some great friends in an entire racing family and get to watch everything from the pits.  Austin gets to help change tires and do other macho car stuff to help out between races.  It's really pretty exciting and so fun to cheer on people we know!

Austin is part of the pit crew!

The latest adventure was Zoobilee, which is almost always a wonderful time. (Minus that one time everyone got tased and arrested. That's a whole other story in which the characters are much more classy and honestly innocent that it sounds. Perhaps in another post)  This year my sister joined myself and my friends Sheryl and Doug. There is never a dull moment when Amanda is involved.   I think Amanda and I spent 30+ minutes in the gorilla exhibit. Forget booze and food when there are monkeys involved :)

I would love to say that all of this fun makes me forget all of my worries and just makes it all better.  It doesn't. It sure makes the suckiness of my situation suck a lot less though.  As much as I am ready for my life to move the direction I want it to move, when I sit back and really think about things I realize how pretty frickin awesome my life is right now.  It's easy to imagine how fulfilled and beautiful life with our child will be, which simultaneously makes it easy to forget to be thankful for the life I have right now.

Our life messy and weird, unpredictable and outrageous its full of fast cars and freedom ( just like the Rascal Flatts song), and a ton of fun.  We have had the opportunity to do so many things in the last year and have made some incredible memories.

I am trying to remember that no matter where my crazy  life takes me or whats going on, no matter how wrong things can seem, that perhaps they are actually right.  Maybe there are just how they're supposed to be right then.  These are just small chapters in the larger book that is my life, and there is a whole lot left to be written.  The control freak/planner in me hates this... especially since lately I am feeling more like a co-author and God's got a firm grip on the dang pen, but there are still moments and pieces that are all mine. So while I am waiting to see exactly how this chapter ends, I'll be out living.  Until our next adventure...

Facebook... Friend or Foe?

 I definitely have a love hate relationship with it right now.  While I LOVE keeping up with friends that live far away and seeing all of the amazing things people are doing in their lives, it can also be difficult.  I am not just talking about baby bumps and pregnancy announcement pics (Though depending on the day, those can be rough to see too).  I am talking comments.  Seemingly harmless comments. I know that I, like many women I am sure, struggling with infertility are extra sensitive.  My husband would probably say that's an understatement. :) Regardless of his opion (haha)  I have developed a tougher skin and know that people rarely mean to be rude or insensitive, it's just not possible for them to understand something they have never dealt with.  I know that I have said things prior to all of this that probably would have pissed the current me off.  I have seen many a post on the dreaded FB and blown it off, but the latest must have caught me on an off day and it had me cringing. Here are a few snippets from it.

"Babies belong in cribs. Not in trash cans and petri dishes". ( Later in the post "wake up and adopt") All followed with a picture of theirown beautiful children. 

Now this is a person I respect and admire. They are God fearing and sweet as can be.  Overall the post was about taking responsibility and I know the intent was good. Perhaps I took the whole post wrong given my extra sensitivity, if I did, I apologize, and let this be a lesson to folks that leave posts open to interpretation. If I didn't misinterpret it than let it just be the latest post that hurt my feelings and kinda pissed me off.  I partially agree with it..  Babies do not belong in trash cans.  How could anyone blessed with this thing I would give up almost anything for just discard such a precious gift and I am all for adoption, but it's not that simple.

Our sweet little embies were born and lived, though briefly in a petri dish. I don't believe that it's wrong or against God's will. Actually I believe quite the opposite.  I believe God has me on this path for a purpose and that good will come of it.  Some days I am required to dig extra deep to see the good, but it's there.  I don't' think that it is wrong to want and to try for a biological child.  I have already shared that Austin and I are open to other options if that is where we are ultimately lead. In the end we want to be parents.  I know no matter what we will end up with the exact child that God intends for us to have and that child will be perfectly ours. I also know that if the time comes that I throw in the towel or give up hope on my eggs I will mourn that loss. That doesn't mean I won't love our future child any less than if it shared my DNA, it just means there is a process to all of this and a path that is messy and unclear.  It is riddle with failures and triumphs, joy and pain. Until you are here and faced with this challenge you can't possibly know what you would or wouldn't do.  Mothers, Fathers, as you hold your children, look down at their sweet faces and tell me,  what wouldn't you have done or given to have them? 

I know someday I will have that feeling.  I will hold our child (however they get here) and I will know I did absolutely everything for them.  They were wanted, dreamed of, sought after and loved for years before we found each other. 

I am absolutely open to adoption and God bless the women strong enough to give up their children in hopes of them having a better life and simultaneously giving the gift of parenthood to those desperately seeking a child.  What an incredibly selfless act and I can not imagine how hard that most be for some.  adoption, is not that simple either.  It can cost as much and VERY OFTEN more than any fertility treatment out there.  That road can be long, hard and unpredictable.  I have heard many a tale of heartache and disappointment from failed adoptions, but I have also heard of the overwhelming joy from those that are a success.  Again, babies that end up right where they were always meant to be. I encourage you to pray for those in the adoption process, it sounds like one wild  journey as well. 

Either way, if being a parent is a desire that has been laid on your heart and the traditional route (that I promise anyone battling the beast that is infertility would GLADLY prefer to be taking), is not an option for you, go fearlessly in the direction of your dreams.  Do what is right and best for you, because only you know what that is. You don't need the approval of anyone.  This journey is not chosen one and it is NOT EASY.  God bless anyone of you fighting for that someday baby.