I Survived

I survived a whole week... I know, I know, big whoop, but for some reason this week was different. It was hard and slow.  It was sad and frustrating. It was full of  frequent and unwelcome tears and a dull ache in my chest.   I can't for the life of me pinpoint exactly why.  It just was.  It could be that my husband has been gone for work, it could have been the ever present birth/pregnancy announcements, it could have been my sister-in-law's approaching baby shower, it could have been a fear of an upcoming new doctor appointment.

My guess it was all of those, mixed with the fact that my "summer of fun" wall was crumbling.  I could feel it.  I had laid a foundation of laughter and adventure and built upon it a wall of  strength and indifference, but I had forgotten a crucial element. Hope is the mortar that had held my heart and soul together, and yet I had not included it in the construction of my wall.

I had promised my husband, I would not worry, I would have fun. I would be patient and carefree. I wanted so much to do this for him and for us.  The only way I knew to not worry was to give up hope.  To live for the day and the moment. (Not that these are always bad things, they are important to do), but without hope for a future what good is right now?

Though my wall had been built tall to keep my emotions at bay and a smile on my face, it was flimsy and crashing down.  I could feel myself scrambling to hold things together grappling for pieces to shove back into place, but my efforts were futile .  A wall with no mortar will not stand, and a life without hope is no life.

This week I learned a lesson, a very important one.  There is no hiding from your heart and there is no need to.  It is the very essence of our being and when blocked off or ignored you very quickly loose yourself.  My strength does not come from "not caring".  I do not smile, because my heart is happy.  My strength and happiness come from the knowing that someday my hurts won't hurt so bad and my heart is always healing.  They come from having hope that one day this will all make sense and that all of these weird ass pieces of my life, the good and the bad will seamlessly fall together.

Until then I will be living in the moment WITH hope for the future :)

*** I know, I know my last post ended with " I will be out living" but i promise that little bit of  hope makes a BIG difference in the kind of living you do  :)