So symptoms. Holy symptoms. I am a barfy zombie as of
late. I know I experienced some symptoms
during fertility treatment, but nothing like these.
Morning Sickness all
day sickness - followed with nightly
barfing. Luckily my doc started me on a new medication that seems to be
stopping this. Whew!
Fatigueinsanely tired narcoleptic - I never nap and now I am obsessed with naps. They
are awesome
Gas- not the booty kind… I have the belching kind. I think I burp a million times a day. Yes pregnancy has made me a gross-o.
Constipation – the latest symptom to be added to my list. I
am taking a fiber supplement to no avail.
It had been 4 days since I had a bowl movement. Lovely I know. I was actually at a wedding and one of my sweet
little friends wanted to feel my belly even though she knew there isn’t anything
there yet and then she says… oh I do feel a little bump… no no my dear that’s
not a baby bump, that’s a poop bump. I
am MISERABLE and soooo bloated. I have had Thanksgiving during which I ate half
of my own pie. . There is no more room for anything to go in until something
comes out. Trying some new things this
week.
Food Aversions - Just about everything sounds sick right now. I will say eggs, peanut butter, anything bbq and Chipotle DO NOT work for me. I know, my beloved Chipotle. Baby W will just have to learn how awesome it is later.
Food Cravings - As the thought of food and any of the cooking shows make me feel queasy, there aren't many of these yet. Orange anything juice, oranges, cuties... LOVE. Blended DECAF snickers latte drinks from Scooters. I went through a Wendy's chicken nugget stage until I threw it up so this is pretty much it at this point. No these things are healthy and yes, I am eating other things, but these are only things that don't make me gag so I call them my special treats...even though I get special treats every other day. I guess baby gets what baby wants right now :)
Yes, most of these symptoms are gross and a little sucky,
but I will gladly experience them. They
mean things are going well. They mean I am growing a human. I never thought I would be thankful for
barfing and yet, here I am beyond grateful for my time spent over the toilet. J
Baby updates: at 9 weeks we got to hear baby W’s heartbeat. Coolest thing ever! Yes, I cried again J I may cry at ever appointment
and I’m ok with that.
The day we found out we were pregnant ran around and telling our whole
families. We had waited so long for this moment; a moment we really weren't sure was ever going to happen at this point so there was absolutely no keeping this
secret in. Our families had prayed for
us, cried with us (Ok… well cried with me, Austin isn’t a big crier),
supported us, and loved us through these difficult years. They had poked my booty (lovely progesterone
shots), lifted our spirits, checked on us.
They were on this journey with us.
They HAD to know J
We hunted down each family member that day. Some were a little trickier to track down... cough, cough Ashley... :) We created these little baby pumpkins to give
people as gifts. Some got it right away,
others it took a while. Some were scared
to suggest I was pregnant for fear of hurting our feelings. My grandma in
particular was a little lot slow. We
were lucky enough to catch her on video. (see below) After everyone figured out what was going on
there were lots of tears and hugs, shouting and laughing. Our families really have been on this roller
coaster with us. This is one insanely
lucky baby. It was wished for, prayed
for and loved by so many long before it was here!
Don’t for a second think that I am one of those women that
just relaxed or stopped worrying and got pregnant. Those stories used to make me kind of mad when
people would offer them up as a solution.
I knew some of it was meant to be encouragement, but it often felt like
judgement, or like it was discrediting what we were doing and what we were
going through. On top of that, how is it
even possible? When you are in the
middle of battling this diagnosis, fighting so hard for a family and someone says…”do nothing, relax,
don’t worry.” Really!?! How does that
even work?!. How do I rip this desire
from my heart as if it never was. How do
I ignore this ache from the hole in my life that is the child I don’t have?!?
How do you forget this? Ever…?
After our last failed
IVF I was kind of a mess. Yes, we filled our “summer of fun” with some
incredible trips. Things I will remember
forever that were a blast and made for great distractions, but the second we
were back home and it was me alone with my thoughts, I was right back in that
place. Walking around smiling, faking
happy, all the while battling a hollowness that was filling my inside, threatening to swallow me whole. I would cry randomly and often. My heart just ached….
I do not attribute this pregnancy to “not worrying or
relaxing”. That’s just not our story. In fact I was perhaps the most stressed/sad I had ever been when things happened. I am giving this one all to God. There is nothing and clearly no one else that
could have made this happen. We had
exhausted our options medically. We were
exploring some alternative natural options, but hadn’t been doing anything long
enough to have impacted an outcome. This
was out of the blue.. or was it? This was perfectly planned and timed. I’m still not at a point where I can say I am
thankful for the path that lead us here, but I do know it’s changed us. It’s made us stronger, better people and a
stronger, better couple. We will be
better for this baby, because of what we have been through. For that I can be thankful.
I am humbled to know that our story/this blog has brought comfort
to others going through their own struggles.
I don’t want you for a second to think I have forgotten you. This blog will likely be taking a turn from infertility
treatment to documenting my pregnancy.
The blog was always supposed to be the story of our lives… it just
happened to be largely made up of needles and meds. J Please know that you are all in my thoughts
and prayers always. I will not soon
forget what the heartache that is infertility felt like. I think those may be scars I carry for the
rest of my life. If there is ever
anything that I can do for any of you feel free to connect with me. Wishing you all courage, strength, and peace!
So things have been weird lately… very weird. I am going to have to back up so you get the
whole story. Last we left off, I had
gone to the Riordan Clinic and started making some lifestyle changes. (Increasing
healthy food consumption and reducing exposure to toxins) I had also started a new supplement that is
supposed to support natural progesterone development and a natural
prenatal. Fast forward 2 weeks. I’m late… well aunt flo is late. Not a huge surprise. Yes, my cycles had leveled out during our
break and the previous four and been around 32 days long, but I have had MANY a
wonky cycles in the last few years and needed to take progesterone to induce a
period so this isn't all that unusual. I call Riordan to ask if the
supplement lengthens your cycle.
They said, “ No and we bet you are pregnant. Take a test and call us tomorrow”
I thought, “ you peeps have lost your minds. I will take the
stupid test, but I have been here and done this before”
Friday rolls around and I take the test. Negative. Told ya!
I call the clinic to let them know.
They said, “ give it a week and if you haven’t started a
period, take another test.”
I thought, “ this is so so so so so so dumb. Whatever!”
So I waited the week and the next Friday I wake up. I unwrap that stupid little pee stick. The stick I knew would say no, the stick that
ALWAYS said no. I peed on the dumb thing
and walked off. That’s right. I was not
giving another one of those sticks my time of day. I used to stand there and watch, anxiously waiting
for something to happen. Oh no! Not
again! I will not give this stick the
satisfaction. I walk off and make my
coffee and return to the bathroom to throw the thing away so I can call the
clinic and they can figure out what is going on. I pick up the stick and pause… hmm… there
seem to be a lot of letters on this thing.
I think my brain couldn’t even register that it said “yes”. That’s
right, this wasn’t a faint pink maybe line this was a digital test and the
thing said yes!!! I think I stood there
staring at it for 5 minutes… just staring at it. It SAYS YES! It finally began to sink in and
I crumpled to the floor and sobbed. That’s
right. Flat out ugly cried and started
yelling for Austin.
Poor Austin was still sleeping and came running into the
bathroom hair a mess, eyes wild, completely panicked….
Him, “What’s wrong?!?! Is the dog dead?!?!” (sounds so
weird, but our oldest dog has had a seizure and isn’t in the best of health)
Me… continue to sob and point at the counter… the pee stick.
Him, “ The dog’s not dead?.... (sees the stick) You’re
shitting me!?!”
Me… “ I’m not shitting you… (while crying)
All of the years of pinning to a secret Baby Pinterest Board
and planning multiple cute ways to surprise my husband with a pregnancy and I
end up just completely freaking him out. There was no way to have prepared for that moment. So we are both freaked out and convinced that maybe it’s
just a defective test. Austin runs to
the store and buys 2 more boxes. I take
one from each… I am running out of pee at this point, but we have to be
sure. All of them positive! Two lines! I
have waited 3 years to see two lines! They are there and they are dark! It’s
for real!
We call the doctor and get in for blood work that morning and
find out that afternoon that the blood test confirmed the pregnancy. Confirmed it!!! The pregnancy that couldn’t
happen, that we were told likely wouldn’t happen.
It’s happening!
It is officially official. I am the suckiest blogger ever. I can't believe I haven't posted in so long and much has gone on. Some quick updates....
This little a-hole ate all of our tomatoes. Tomato plant is dead...
I read a book called, "It All Starts With an Egg", that details the latest research and evidence out there on how to improve egg quality, since that is the only thing my doctors could come up with. All of the action items in the book are related to things we ingest and toxins we are exposed to. It is INSANE the amount of evidence out there on how our environment impacts and quite frankly jacks up our bodies and their functioning.
The book lead me to seek additional support for making such changes and for figuring out exactly what I needed to be doing. After my last post I went to a naturopathic doctor at the Riordan Clinic, here in Wichita. They are known for doing extensive blood paneling and working to find the root cause of problems. They check all of your vitamin/nutrient levels, how your body is processing things and hormones. My appointment was AMAZING and awful all at the same time. What I loved:
1.) My doctor refused to call me infertile. She said I simply hadn't had a baby yet. (SERIOUSLY refreshing)
2.) My doctor was convinced she could get me pregnant. ( Cautiously optimistic )
3.) My doctor gave me goals that I could manage to get started on things and started on supplements to help with the issues that were present prior to seeing any blood work.
What I didn't love:
I went through the almost 2 hour appointment/consultation/check up/exam and go to the part where I was to go do my blood work and a nurse sat me down to go over what was being requested... then she started totaling these tests in a side column and presented me with a cost I didn't realize I would have. I was under the impression prior to the appointment that labs were covered.. nope not covered. I was crushed and I ugly cried. I felt like I was soooo close to having answers, to getting to see what might be going on to cause egg issues, but there was no way we would be spending that kind of money after everything else we have done this year.
What made up for this:
The nurse called after my appointment to say they could change things to allow for me to at least get a hormone panel completed for what I had already paid! Not the full panel I was needing, but a start and a glimpse at what is going on and then additional action steps to work on until I can save and afford the big panel !
So have made some changes to my lifestyle and am hoping for good things to come.
My friend Thea go married! Her wedding was beautiful, as way she, though I cant say the same for Amanda and I's overall weekend trip to KC. It was comically HORRIBLE... so horribly funny I peed two pairs of pants and a dress (well, tinkled, but you get the drift)... We will save those stories for another post. (Wait, what wipe?)
We had Austin's second annual birthday bash at the dunes. it was again a HUGE success. We love having our family and friends get to experience and share something that we love so so much !
I survived a whole week... I know, I know, big whoop, but for some reason this week was different. It was hard and slow. It was sad and frustrating. It was full of frequent and unwelcome tears and a dull ache in my chest. I can't for the life of me pinpoint exactly why. It just was. It could be that my husband has been gone for work, it could have been the ever present birth/pregnancy announcements, it could have been my sister-in-law's approaching baby shower, it could have been a fear of an upcoming new doctor appointment.
My guess it was all of those, mixed with the fact that my "summer of fun" wall was crumbling. I could feel it. I had laid a foundation of laughter and adventure and built upon it a wall of strength and indifference, but I had forgotten a crucial element. Hope is the mortar that had held my heart and soul together, and yet I had not included it in the construction of my wall.
I had promised my husband, I would not worry, I would have fun. I would be patient and carefree. I wanted so much to do this for him and for us. The only way I knew to not worry was to give up hope. To live for the day and the moment. (Not that these are always bad things, they are important to do), but without hope for a future what good is right now?
Though my wall had been built tall to keep my emotions at bay and a smile on my face, it was flimsy and crashing down. I could feel myself scrambling to hold things together grappling for pieces to shove back into place, but my efforts were futile . A wall with no mortar will not stand, and a life without hope is no life.
This week I learned a lesson, a very important one. There is no hiding from your heart and there is no need to. It is the very essence of our being and when blocked off or ignored you very quickly loose yourself. My strength does not come from "not caring". I do not smile, because my heart is happy. My strength and happiness come from the knowing that someday my hurts won't hurt so bad and my heart is always healing. They come from having hope that one day this will all make sense and that all of these weird ass pieces of my life, the good and the bad will seamlessly fall together.
Until then I will be living in the moment WITH hope for the future :)
*** I know, I know my last post ended with " I will be out living" but i promise that little bit of hope makes a BIG difference in the kind of living you do :)
For all of the ick moments (you know the ones that make you want to cry, barf or yell) I have experienced in the last 2.5 years there are double if not quadruple the number of woo hoo ones. (ya know the ones that make you want to laugh, happy cry or just honestly yell Woo HOOOOO at the top of your lungs)
We are still in full force "summer of fun mode" and have continued to stay very busy, I just haven't had time to post about it. We have had some event every weekend for the last month and that pattern continues through mid October, which is A-Ok with us since it's all super fun stuff!
I traveled to KC for my dear friend, Thea's Bridal/Bachelorette extravaganza. It was a day full of celebrating the beautiful woman she is inside and out and her upcoming nuptials. I am so happy that she has found her forever "friend"/ hubs. It was wonderful to catch up with friends I hadn't seen in FOREVER, as in years. Seeing them made me realize just how much I had missed them.
We spent Labor Day weekend at the lake with friends and family. We went boating, tubing,( which I am beginning to feel to old for, I spent a week on the heating pad) and to the races.
.
Captain or Pilot? Hard to tell here...
Hubba Hubba hubs :) xoxo
Kim and Kathy!
I got to spend extra time with my niece, Hurley, who as of right now thinks I am pretty cool. I will take it as long as I can get it. I am sure the day will come when she is older and I'm even older which automatically makes me lame. Here's to hoping for forever coolness :)
I know the races may not sound like much fun to some folks, but we have made some great friends in an entire racing family and get to watch everything from the pits. Austin gets to help change tires and do other macho car stuff to help out between races. It's really pretty exciting and so fun to cheer on people we know!
Austin is part of the pit crew!
The latest adventure was Zoobilee, which is almost always a wonderful time. (Minus that one time everyone got tased and arrested. That's a whole other story in which the characters are much more classy and honestly innocent that it sounds. Perhaps in another post) This year my sister joined myself and my friends Sheryl and Doug. There is never a dull moment when Amanda is involved. I think Amanda and I spent 30+ minutes in the gorilla exhibit. Forget booze and food when there are monkeys involved :)
I would love to say that all of this fun makes me forget all of my worries and just makes it all better. It doesn't. It sure makes the suckiness of my situation suck a lot less though. As much as I am ready for my life to move the direction I want it to move, when I sit back and really think about things I realize how pretty frickin awesome my life is right now. It's easy to imagine how fulfilled and beautiful life with our child will be, which simultaneously makes it easy to forget to be thankful for the life I have right now.
Our life messy and weird, unpredictable and outrageous its full of fast cars and freedom ( just like the Rascal Flatts song), and a ton of fun. We have had the opportunity to do so many things in the last year and have made some incredible memories.
I am trying to remember that no matter where my crazy life takes me or whats going on, no matter how wrong things can seem, that perhaps they are actually right. Maybe there are just how they're supposed to be right then. These are just small chapters in the larger book that is my life, and there is a whole lot left to be written. The control freak/planner in me hates this... especially since lately I am feeling more like a co-author and God's got a firm grip on the dang pen, but there are still moments and pieces that are all mine. So while I am waiting to see exactly how this chapter ends, I'll be out living. Until our next adventure...
I definitely have a love hate relationship with it right now. While I LOVE keeping up with friends that live far away and seeing all of the amazing things people are doing in their lives, it can also be difficult. I am not just talking about baby bumps and pregnancy announcement pics (Though depending on the day, those can be rough to see too). I am talking comments. Seemingly harmless comments. I know that I, like many women I am sure, struggling with infertility are extra sensitive. My husband would probably say that's an understatement. :) Regardless of his opion (haha) I have developed a tougher skin and know that people rarely mean to be rude or insensitive, it's just not possible for them to understand something they have never dealt with. I know that I have said things prior to all of this that probably would have pissed the current me off. I have seen many a post on the dreaded FB and blown it off, but the latest must have caught me on an off day and it had me cringing. Here are a few snippets from it. "Babies belong in cribs. Not in trash cans and petri dishes". ( Later in the post "wake up and adopt") All followed with a picture of theirown beautiful children. Now this is a person I respect and admire. They are God fearing and sweet as can be. Overall the post was about taking responsibility and I know the intent was good. Perhaps I took the whole post wrong given my extra sensitivity, if I did, I apologize, and let this be a lesson to folks that leave posts open to interpretation. If I didn't misinterpret it than let it just be the latest post that hurt my feelings and kinda pissed me off. I partially agree with it.. Babies do not belong in trash cans. How could anyone blessed with this thing I would give up almost anything for just discard such a precious gift and I am all for adoption, but it's not that simple. Our sweet little embies were born and lived, though briefly in a petri dish. I don't believe that it's wrong or against God's will. Actually I believe quite the opposite. I believe God has me on this path for a purpose and that good will come of it. Some days I am required to dig extra deep to see the good, but it's there. I don't' think that it is wrong to want and to try for a biological child. I have already shared that Austin and I are open to other options if that is where we are ultimately lead. In the end we want to be parents. I know no matter what we will end up with the exact child that God intends for us to have and that child will be perfectly ours. I also know that if the time comes that I throw in the towel or give up hope on my eggs I will mourn that loss. That doesn't mean I won't love our future child any less than if it shared my DNA, it just means there is a process to all of this and a path that is messy and unclear. It is riddle with failures and triumphs, joy and pain. Until you are here and faced with this challenge you can't possibly know what you would or wouldn't do. Mothers, Fathers, as you hold your children, look down at their sweet faces and tell me, what wouldn't you have done or given to have them? I know someday I will have that feeling. I will hold our child (however they get here) and I will know I did absolutely everything for them. They were wanted, dreamed of, sought after and loved for years before we found each other. I am absolutely open to adoption and God bless the women strong enough to give up their children in hopes of them having a better life and simultaneously giving the gift of parenthood to those desperately seeking a child. What an incredibly selfless act and I can not imagine how hard that most be for some. adoption, is not that simple either. It can cost as much and VERY OFTEN more than any fertility treatment out there. That road can be long, hard and unpredictable. I have heard many a tale of heartache and disappointment from failed adoptions, but I have also heard of the overwhelming joy from those that are a success. Again, babies that end up right where they were always meant to be. I encourage you to pray for those in the adoption process, it sounds like one wild journey as well. Either way, if being a parent is a desire that has been laid on your heart and the traditional route (that I promise anyone battling the beast that is infertility would GLADLY prefer to be taking), is not an option for you, go fearlessly in the direction of your dreams. Do what is right and best for you, because only you know what that is. You don't need the approval of anyone. This journey is not chosen one and it is NOT EASY. God bless anyone of you fighting for that someday baby.
They always say HE works in mysterious ways, that HE opens new doors when others close, HE has a way of placing you right where you need to be when you need to be there...
Well He may not want credit for me finding my way to the 75th Annual Sturgis Biker Rally, but he gave Austin and I a life that allows us to take a much needed break, to relax and to refocus and for that I am thankful. Who am I kidding I am also super thankful for Sturgis it was A BLAST!
Over the last few months Austin and I have been having what we have deemed our "summer of fun". No more fertility treatment, supplements or worrying. (ok not as much worrying... I am my mother's daughter, who is her mother's daughter. I am pretty sure being a worry wart is written into my DNA)
We had decided that during our fertility treatment break we were going to have a dang good time. I would say we have been pretty successful thus far. Our summer began with lake trips with awesome friends who introduced us to their friends that invited us to New Mexico.
Riding Through the Mountains
Red River New Mexico was our first vacation in over a year, as well as our very first motorcycle trip! (sorta, we trailered the bikes, but rode the whole time we were there!) We went with 3 other couples; The Hackers, The Milton and the Roaches. The trip was full of great times, with better people and l-o-n-g rides through indescribably beautiful scenery. What more could we ask for?
All good things are wild and free
Red River
My Love
The Gals
This same group invited us to Sturgis. Honestly one of the most awesome vacations I have ever taken. It was everything and nothing that I expected it to be. (Yes, you read that right) I had ideas of what went on thanks to google, but it was completely different than I anticipated.
Most of our days were spent on long bike rides sight seeing. Again, BEAUTIFUL scenery. I think I was so used to flat Kansas, I had forgotten the rest of US doesn't look like it. The nights were full of concerts and drives through the campground and more sights to see. Some I wish I could scrub from my memory, but all were kind of weirdly beautiful. Each encounter became a part of this experience that I NEVER thought I would have and will NEVER forget. (check back for photos/video!)
This has definitely been a life changing summer for the Wiechmans. Our lives had been so focused on our infertility battle, that it was easy to forget that there is a whole big beautiful world around me and this one incredible life I have been given to live going on. This "summer of fun" has brought us adventure, laughter, new friends, memories, romance, tan lines, support, and a renewed sense of purpose and strength. Sometimes a little fun and time to recharge isn't what the doctor orders, but is just as important.
Dag nab it I am behind again... Let me try to bring you up to speed.
Shit numero uno-
A week and a half ago I had what is referred to by the fertility challenged as my "wtf" appointment. I didn't really get it until now. It's the appointment you have after a failed IVF cycle. I couldn't think of a more appropriate acronym to use for this encounter. I waited weeks before going so that I could be cool, calm and collected. I prepared my questions. I was ready... yeah right. You get there, the doctor talks and you just want to say WTF happened? WTF went wrong? WTF am I supposed to do now?
Unfortunately my appointment left me even more confused. I still have no clue WTF happened. Shitty shit shit! I have no known or diagnosed issue. Austin's swimmers seem to be fine and plentiful. We just make crappy embryos. Things appeared to have gone better this time. The number of mature eggs retrieved was right on, the fertilization rate was great, but by day 2 our embies looked bad... really bad. We had two that were ok and were transferred, but perhaps weren't ever good enough to continue to develop and implant.
The doctor has no ideas as to what is happening. My tests show that my egg quality and supply should be that of a 20 year olds. (She said I couldn't ask for better numbers), but there may be some strange underlying egg issue. She just kept pointing to the computer saying none of it made sense for me. Nothing that has happened should be happening... great. WTF does that mean?!?!
I held it together through most of that appointment, but discussed next steps. She said if insurance covered any part of this or if money were no issue she would say just keep doing it. It could definitely work for us, but we live in the land of Kansas and things aren't covered. Not only are they not covered they are insanely expensive, so just trying until it works isn't really an option for us.
Since the best we can come up with is an underlying egg problem, we could use donor eggs. Talk about a hard pill to swallow. Thinking that I am the problem, that my crappy body is making crappy eggs that are keeping us from making our little human is devastating. It's also an issue that currently, medically is not fixable. Thinking that I may never carry a biological child is hard... hard really isn't the word. I don't think their is one to accurately describe that. It's another one of those indescribable hurts that penetrates every inch of your being.
That being said, at the end of the day I want to be a mom. I want Austin and I to get to be parents. That may look different for us and that will just have to be ok. I know that no matter what child we end up with or how we end up with them they will be the most wanted and loved little person. That being said and with us feeling that way, I went ahead and had a woman come in to discuss the various costs associated with donor eggs. Here is where I lost it...
She came in smiling... SMILING!!!! (I know, I know... I'm totally irrational at this point... but this is DEVASTATINGLY DIFFICULT NEWS... this is an EXTREMELY HARD conversation and you bounce in smiling?!?!) Couldn't you at least give me sad eyes or acknowledge that this must be hard for me? It gets worse, she KEEPS SMILING and she reads through the pricing lists (that again are ridiculously expensive) with a happy voice. It was like I was picking out a fancy nail design for a pedicure or ordering toppings for a pizza.. "You can do this or this.. If you do this it costs that." smile, smile happy voice. I couldn't stand it! The floodgates opened and were not closing anytime soon. It was the ugliest cry I have had to date at the doctors office. I know none of this is their fault and they are doing their best so I always try extra hard to be strong and level headed and hear everything out, but this was too much. The teeth and happy eyes were too much. She actually had to excuse herself to let me try to get composed... nope not happening. I had to put on my shades and run out of that place. I can't say that the reading of those documents/price sheets would have ended any better had she looked sad. I think what we were discussing was just going to be hard regardless, but geeze louise a tiny bit of sensitivity wouldn't have hurt anything.
I leave that appointment to come home finding Austin cleaning up poop...Lots of poop.
Here comes the second shit- (it would actually be the second through the twentieth if we were getting really technical)
That same day that I have this difficult appointment I come home to chaos. It appeared that both dogs had lost complete control of their bowels. Everything stunk, it was a disaster. What do I do? I go from crying to laughing hysterically... I know I am a crazy person. Something about Austin ticked off cleaning up piles of doo doo just makes me giggle.
I can't decide if all of this was adding insult to injury and additional punishment or some messed up kind of divine intervention. It definitely forced me to change my current focus to get a handle on things.
We take the dogs to the vet the next day and find out they have hookworms! No clue how that even happens. Thankfully with a little less dog food and some monster doggy pills all was set right (and aired out ) in the Wiechman house. :)
Thank goodness we were headed on vacation... not sure how much more shit we could have handled!
I have been missing from blogging again. It hurts my heart to share that our second round of IVF failed. The world crashed down around us again. I think with this second attempt we tried being more cautiously optimistic. (Ha! Much easier said than done) We were hopeful it would work, but learned from our last cycle there are no guarantees. It is just so incredibly hard. You want desperately to guard your heart, but there is a competing need with this to be truly all in, which leaves you extremely vulnerable. We dared to dream again, and there we were back in the middle of a nightmare. We needed a time out.
You know how those work. Think of a crazy basketball game where there are seconds left on the board and one team is down by just a point. They are so close, yet so far to their goal. They can see it, it's there in the realm of possibility, but it's going to take a miracle. The crowd is screaming, the players are stressed, adrenaline is pumping and the coach calls a time out. They need time... time to talk, to plan, time for things to stop...
We needed that time... we needed a moment where the clock stops ticking and we could breathe. We could regroup, relax and come up with a new plan of attack.
Well, real life time outs don't work that way much to my dismay (and Austin's). We called the time out and nothing stopped. Life continues to move and our circumstances remain the same.
We tried distracting ourselves, which we did a great job of.
We purchased A HARLEY. I am officially a biker chic and we are headed to Sturgis this summer. That should be an intersting post. Stay tuned!!
We left. We got the hell out of town. It was easier than sitting here knowing, thinking about things. We have made some amazing friends in the Hacker family from Oklahoma and they planned a lake weekend for us to get our minds off of things. They even invited us out for the following week so we got to spend our 4th of July at a gorgeous lake in a monster camper, tubing, laughing, watching races and relaxing.
I worked. I had helped plan a huge conference for 200 people from across the state that took place days after recieving our devestating news. (Blessing and a curse) I was almost too swamped to feel sorry for myself... almost.
This past weekend we spent with family and friends. Talking, eating, shopping and laughing. Again, a weekend full of fun!
We have been VERY busy...what absolutely positively undeniably sucks is that much like time outs... being busy doesn't save you. Nothing can sav you from the hurt of a failed IVF cycle or really just the hurt of infertility. The pain is indescribable. It's not unbarable (although there are moments it can feel that way), I'm surviving (thank you God for that strength) ... it's just a hurt that I can't put into words. It cuts to the core of your very being. It takes tiny pieces of you that you fear will never be put back into place. It changes you.
I haven't been able to stop my feelings or to ignore them. All of the fun, friends and family in the world can't keep the hurt out. (As much as they have tried and I know would do anything to keep me from it) The hurt crept in. Not as quickly as last time, more slowly. I think I had convinced myself that I would be ok, but I'm just not and I am not sure that I will be for awhile. I am ok with that though. (So strange I know... I am not ok, but ok with not being ok.) The one thing I have said before and will continue to say is that this journey is one hell of a roller coaster. There are incredible highs and the deepest of lows and I have come to accept all of them. (Like them? hell no! Accept them, yes.)
I am just letting myself feel what I need to feel when I need to feel it. I may be laughing one second and in the next minute tearing up. I am emotionally schizophrenic right now. This hurt is unpredictable and untamable. Anything can trigger tears at any point in time. On the flip side of that those same things can leave me completely unaffected. It's confusing and frustrating, ,which just adds fuel to this emotional fire. I am not sure that it is possible to really figure this hurt out as it is ever evolving. This is EXTREMELY difficult for the planner in me to accept. I want to know how to move past this,what steps to take and at what point to expect things to go back to normal, and right now I have no freaking clue! All I can do is continue to search for strength and accept that normal may look a little different from here on out.
I am BEYOND thankful to have the love and support that so many people continue to show me as I work my way through things.
We will be taking some time off from everything fertility related. My body, heart and soul need some time for healing. I am just praying that the healing actually comes. It is hard to imagine a light at the end of a tunnel you have been in long enough for your eyes to actually adjust to the darkness. Even on the worst of days or in the hardest of moments I know that the light is there. I will see it, it just may take longer to find.
I plan to continue to blog. Clearly we have some big adventures planned for the Wiechman's this summer and are focusing on enjoying this time that it is just us. I know that this time together is a gift we need to cherish. It won't always only be the two of us. We have already decided that we will be parents regardless of how that happens. Until then we will be healing and living. :)
I have been lucky enough to go through my entire life feeling loved. I have an incredible family that has been there for me for as long as I can remember and even before that. (I have the baby photos and videos to prove it... except for my first birthday... apparently mom on occasion loved some things more than me... like the Golden Girls :) I kid mom. I just like to tease you about your oops:) ) No, seriously I am not being a bragasaurous, but I have had an incredible life full of support and love. I married a man that adores me (most days:) , I have two dogs that look at me like I walk on water (I swear I can see it in their eyes), I never could have imagined how close I would be with my in laws (I know some people get not so great ones, but I truly love mine and not just because I have to haha :) I have some of the most amazing friends as well, that have stuck by me even though I have been pretty baby focused over the last two years. All of these people have been there for me and loved me through this difficult time. Then there are the people that I didn't really know or still have never met, but this blog has brought them into my life, people that care about my journey and are praying for me and our embies.
I really really truly truly (DOUBLE EMPHASIS) am blessed, and I know it, I have known it. I just didn't know how much I would need it until now.
To all of you that have followed our story and offered your love, support and prayers... thank you from the very bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul. You are all incredible and so precious to me. On days that I feel my strength waining, I return to the messages you have sent and have taken comfort in knowing how many prayers are reaching God on my behalf. My hope in publicizing this blog was to shed some light on infertility, but what I have found is that each of you have been a light on my sometimes dark path. I am eternally grateful.
Wow... I am sorry I haven't blogged in awhile. This last part of the cycle has gone so fast that I have not and am still not sure how to process everything.
I left off last post with egg retrieval..
We went to the surgery center like old pros this time. We knew exactly what to expect, what was going to happen.
1.) Strip and put on this ugly well ventilated dress
2.) Go Pee
3.) Get poked ( IV time)
4.) Talk to the doctor, anesthesiologists and a hand full of nurses. ( You aren't crazy.. they are indeed asking you the same questions over and over. Glad to know they are covering their bases... yes I am me and no I don't have a latex allergy..yes I am me... for sure)
5.)Wait around while hubs tries your heart rate finger monitor on
6.) Pee again
7.) Put on your fancy hat and head back for surgery. Your vagina takes center stage under the bright overhead lights and then you drift off to a happy place after some super burny meds enter your arm.
8.) Wake up talking gibberish ( this time I was also crying... yay! I am a complete weirdo)
9.) Head home and wait for updates
This time we had 11 eggs retrieved. We found out Friday that 10 were mature and 7 fertilized! WOO HOO 7 embies! Last time we only had four. This is incredible, or at least it was for a hot second. Saturday I received the devastating news that 5 our little embies were not going to make it.
That left 2 embies. Two glorious good looking embies to work with. The embryologists recommended a Sunday transfer (3-day transfer), so transfer we did.
Both embies were placed safely into my lovely looking uterus around 9:45am Sunday morning.
Our whole world... and it fits in a petri dish...
Now we wait. I have only been waiting four days and this has by far been the hardest wait for me to date ( I have had 2 years of two week waits so that's saying something). I think that's why it took me so long to blog again. Things aren't always roses and sunshine, hope and happiness. This road can be dark and dreary full of terror and doubt. I find myself venturing into all of these realities even more this time. Those two little embies are it for us... at least for awhile. They are our hopes and our dreams, they are our love and our prayers, They are our past and our future. The terrifying thing is they may never be more than embies. They may never be our bright blue eyed cuddly baby... but they could be. They may never be late night feedings or diaper changes, but they could be. They may never be giggles and lullabys/death metal serenades from daddy (every baby's dream haha!) , but they could be.
This is my life right now. This is every second of every minute of every day. This is my two week wait. It's the hope of everything I want mixed with the fear of everything I may never have.
This is the wait that has damn near done me in. It has convinced me that battling infertility is absolutely not for the weak of heart. It will challenge your faith, your marriage, your courage, your self worth, your view of the world, but it will also solidify each of these things for you. There is good mixed in with the bad, you just have to work to find it!
To the women that have fought this battle before me. God Bless you. You are incredible in ways most people couldn't possible comprehend.
To the women That will fight this battle after me. Have faith and keep going. I know it can be horrible and hard, but the decision to even attempt this journey shows that you have a a strength in you that is unmatchable. Regardless of the outcome you will be ok, because you have the courage to do what so many cannot, fight for your dream. You can do this! You will survive this!
Holy cow! We are DONE stimming. No more meds! Things still are looking much better this time. I had two sonos this week. Lots of little follies on BOTH ovaries. My estrogen continues to climb. It was over 1600 yesterday. Last cycle it bottomed out at 1000 and started dropping, which was why my retrieval was scheduled, not because the follicles were the size they really wanted them to be.
Last time mixing meds... hopefully forever!
Last Round of Meds!
Last Blood Draw
Retrieval is schedules for TOMORROW! EEk! We did my trigger shot yesterday. It is the first of many to go in my bum. Oh yes, the dreaded booty shots are back this week. I have my awesome magic marker circles on my bbackside just in time for bikini weather :) I am sure they will make for some pretty awesome pool dialogue.I am definitely getting nervous. I know things have gone better, but it is still pretty scary. I am just praying that the trend of things going better continues and we have eggs that are of good quality so that they can create healthy embryos!
"Rest in me my child. Give your mind a break from planning and trying to anticipate what will happen. Pray continually, asking My Spirit to take charge of the details of this day. Remember that you are on a journey with Me." - Jesus is Calling, Sarah Young
That moment that your devotional puts you in check! :) Still praying for healthy eggs, but adding patience, courage and the ability to let go and give it to GOD to the list :)
Lefty is alive! Not only is she alive, but she is kicking ass! :) I had my first sono of this IVF cycle today. I didn't realize how nervous I was until I was sitting in the waiting room. My leg wouldn't stop shaking, I was sweating and couldn't decide if I was going to cry or have diarrhea. Yep, I was that nervous. This sono was a VERY BIG DEAL. Last cycle my left ovary did NOTHING. Not a flipping thing, not one teeny tiny follicle. It just sat back and made righty do all of the heavy lifting (growing). My fear going into this sonogram was that the same thing was happening. If the same thing was happening, my bigger fear was that we would be closer to a diagnosis for me. The even bigger fear then was that the diagnosis would be premature ovarian failure, which there is no reversing or coming back from. There would be no hope of us being that couple that maybe had some failed IVF cycles then adopted then magically had a baby of their own. No that diagnosis is pretty much it. Your ovaries and reproductive system are just going kaput and there is nothing you and all of the naturally acne causing supplements can do about it.
Magic Stick...we meet again!
Today I saw follies. Beautiful follies growing on my previously lazy ovary. (sorry lefty, I know you have done a lot of work over the last few years, but you really let me down last cycle... I am SOOOO proud of you right now though!) I asked if we were looking at the right ovary (weird, you would think that you could tell which way the magic want is pointing, but it all kind of feels the same up in there) My nurse said nope that's the left and there are... wait for it... wait... "quite a few follicles I am seeing". I immediately begin crying my very happy tears and then we begin laughing together. She asked, "Did you ever think your ovary would make you so happy you would cry?". No, no I didn't. Never before this process did I really give a crap what my ovaries were doing. I could never have imagined how precious they are and how much they do.
Grow follies grow!
Righty was doing just fine this time too.
Current Totals:
Right ovary- 6 follicles
Left ovary - 8
(Last cycle this time there were 4 on the right and none on the left)
These still may not be "ideal" numbers. ( I am not even sure if there is such a thing this stuff is so individualized), but they are mine and so far things are looking better for us this time.
Now praying they continue to progress and grow and that they are working on giving us some very healthy eggs.
My estrogen was also up from 63 to 234 which I was told was a good rise! (with an exclamation point) Today is a good day and we will celebrate it's blessing which GOD has bestowed upon us. I don't know what tomorrow or the rest of this cycle holds for us, but today is good. Very. Very. Good. I can definitely work with that!
yes... I look happpy crazy and slightly confused... partly because I forget where the actual camera is on my phone sometimes and mostly because that was how I was feeling after the appointment. I am excited and hopeful and still a little freaked out about the rest of this cycle! More to come!
So did Austin. One would think that after the umpteen injections last cycle that this cycle would be super easy. Like riding a bike... you just pick up right where you left off. Not so much. My first set of injections I used a needle instead of a Q-cap (it's a little tool you use to move meds from one vial to another and draw them back up completely so you don't miss any fluid) which meant I had to start over. I also didn't get the dang air bubble out so I had to re inject. (3 pokes for 1 shot ) the second poke it was like the needle had dulled. Kylee and I couldn't stop laughing because my skin was dented in, but the darn thing would go through. It was one of those. I'm not sure why I'm laughing moments because this hurts like hell. Inappropriate and out of place laughter is pretty common when my family is involved. :)
Austin did my shots the second day. Whew, now I can't screw them up! (Well that part is right, but who says he can't!?!) He mixed and prepped everything perfectly, but I think he was remembering my booty shots. Those require a little more umph, to get the big needle all the way in. I felt like a frickin dart board. He came at me like we were in a dark alley and he wanted my wallet. It kind of felt like I had been stabbed. It was a loving stab of course. (You are wonderful hubs and I appreciate you poking me... even when it hurts for a whole day) Note to selves and anyone giving anyone a shot for fertility purposes:
Round three of shots went perfectly. Austin is after all a shot giving rock star he just needed a warm up round to get back into the swing of things. So my pictures aren't very exciting this round. We started at a super high dose and have done the same thing every day:
300 IU Gonal
150 IU Menopur
I went in for blood work Monday and my estrogen was at a 63. Last cycle this time it was less than 10 so I am hopeful that things are going a little better this round :) I have a sono on Wednesday and more blood work that will tell us more about how things are shaping up this time.
