IVF- Here We Come!

We found out this week that our last IUI did not work. We have decided to move forward with In Vitro Fertilization.  CRAZY. I never, EVER thought we would get to this point.  I just thought for sure our 6th IUI that doctors thought we shouldn't do, right before Christmas would  result in a pregnancy...I mean it had to right? What a beautiful story; Against all odds to be given such a beautiful Christmas gift?  Unfortunately that isn't our story, but it's ok.  After many tears (and many more near melt downs) I am ready for this.  I am SOOO ready for this. Seriously.. a freaky weird calm seems to have settled over me.  ( perhaps it is the calm before the storm or the mother of all melt downs...), but for now I am ok and excited.  If this is what it takes to get our baby, so be it and BRING IT ON!!

Again, this is not a path I would ever choose for myself (or for anyone), but we are on it and I know that it is leading us somewhere wonderful.  I am just anxious to get moving.  The doctors actually will have me start birth control which seems bizarre, but they are doing it for two reasons:

1.) Shutting down my ovaries so that I am ready for all of the stimulation that will be happening and I am not at risk of producing a cyst (Which would bring our IVF plans to a screeching halt... and once this bus is moving I DO NOT want it stopping)
2.) To sync my cycle with the other women going through IVF.  (The clinic I go to typically only does 5 rounds of IVF per year... so we are all doing it at the same time )

Next steps;
- Austin and I have to complete an IVF course. (Should be super fun. My very ADD husband sitting in a room talking about fertility treatment for 2.5 hours... yay!)
- Begin meds at the end of January and hope for a retrieval in the first few weeks of February!
- By the end of February we will know if we were successful!

and for right now...

Enjoy our lives, the time we have together as just us, our friends and family and my ABSOLUTE favorite time of year, Christmas.  My tree is decorated  overdecorated, as in you can't really see much actual tree.  I have elves hanging from the chandelier, the nativity is out.  I love it! All of it!

It is also the time of year that reminds us how possible miracles are. It is a season full of faith and hope.

I heard a beautiful song yesterday... literally right after I found out my pregnancy test was negative.  What Faith Can Do, by Kutless.  I was such a blubering mess that anyone watching me definitely wouldn't have thought I was enjoying any part of listening to that song, as I couldn't stop ugly crying, but what a powerful message and what a perfect message for me that day in that moment.

"Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do"
Chin up buttercup, we will get our own miracle someday! (Hopefully soon as in the next few months and after two years... a few months is nothing!)

My Dog Ate Christmas

Looks pretty guilty to me...

Lou seems to be giving the Grinch a run for his money... she ATE CHRISTMAS, well a part of Christmas.  I have had all of our gifts in bags beside our tree for weeks and she hasn't touch one, but not today.  I come home to find paper, plastic and colored sand everywhere!!!


We bought Kinetic sand for all of our nieces and nephews.  It's super cool. It looks like sand, feels like sand and even molds like wet sand! Lou apparently thought that the packaging looked like a dog toy/treat.  That is the only excuse I can come up with, that or she is just a cold hearted Christmas eating fur bitch. ( I can't decide which I believe at the moment )





She didn't just destroy the packaging she ate the sand! Gross! 2 WHOLE PACKAGES!!! Blue and purple.  She started on the green and must have been interrupted by me opening the door.  ( Or she quit eating it earlier because she was full from her large sand snack!)  I couldn't be  mad for long because I was also freaking out.  She had a SAND CASTLE in her stomach! What if it can't come out? What if it's toxic? How does it come out if it can?

Well folks, as they say... ashes to ashes, dust to dust, sand to sand.

Playing Telephone...

Ring ring, ring ring....

Me: Oh hey honey
Austin : Hey, I hope your appointment went well. What are you doing?
Me: well I'm just laying here being inseminated
Austin: Huh, that's weird. Want to grab lunch?
Me: Sure... give me 15 minutes :)

Is it weird that that happened... or weird we are no longer phased at all by most of this?  I mean I have heard of  "phone sex", but "phone insemination"... not so sexy.

6th IUI down and now we wait...again.. for the last time. (Well the last time for this process and still potentially the last time ever!) No matter what the future holds for us or what the process moving forward is I am still hopeful.  I can not thank those that have messaged me enough (Clearly... you got your own post and here I am thanking you again. :) )  Your encouragement and prayers were very needed and much appreciated.  We will keep you posted!

Note to Self... Do Not Facebook in Walmart

So there I was in the check out line at my least favorite place on Earth...Walmart. The line was ridiculously long and one of the few open so I find myself waiting and bored... because I am extremely ADD.  What better to do than pull out the phone to check Facebook.

HOLY CRAPOLA!!!!!

I could never have imagined the outpouring of support from family and friends that I found.  The comments and  the personal messages that people chose to share with me were so uplifting and moving.  I began reading them and crying in the Walmart line.  Now those of you that read the whole blog... (WHICH PEOPLE TOTALLY DID.. THEY TOLD ME... MIND... BLOWN :) ) you people know I'm no stranger to crying in public... I just tally up the Walmart lady as one more person that thinks I'm nuts, but I totally don't care.  These weren't sad tears. These were seriously happy ones. I felt overwhelmingly supported and loved.

I can not thank all of you enough for taking the time to read my post, the blog (over 4,000 views in 2 days!) , for commenting or for sending me messages.  For even liking the post... holy cow.. over 300 people just liked it as a sign of support.. I wish I could like your likes right back.

Those that privately messaged me and shared your own struggles and stories, please know how honored I am that you are trusting me with them.  You have been absolutely inspirational to me.

Those that just messaged us kind words and support. Thank you!

I really feel that the sharing of this blog has been life changing.  I feel as though a huge weight (like 50 elephants wearing cement shoes kind of weight) has been lifted off of my shoulders.  As much as I say I am giving it to God, I haven't.  I am clinging to it and desperately trying to fix it myself.  The truth is I can't. I felt moved to finally share our story and the response has helped me see that we are not alone and have all of the support in the world.

Please know if any of you are in need of support for anything I would welcome the opportunity to return the favor.   You have all changed our path for the better!

I'm Sorry but Thank You

Well let's begin with the apology.

I am sorry to my friends and family that I haven't been there for, or have distanced myself from. Some of you have known what has been going on for the past two years and many have you have not.  It's not that we didn't trust you with this or that we didn't like you enough to tell you.  It is just so insanely personal and has been unimaginably difficult. This hands down has been the hardest thing that I have been through in my life and the most difficult thing we have faced as a couple.  Who knew our marriage would be tested with a battle like infertility in it's first few months. I had no idea how hard this journey would be when we began it two years ago.  I have off and on been an emotional mess and most often it was just too difficult to talk about.  I also always thought that this month would be the month that we would be pregnant, so I won't have to share any of this.

Unfortunately that month never came and we continue our fight to grow our  family.  I am sorry for the phone calls I missed.  There have been sad days that I just haven't felt like talking.  I am sorry for the parties, nights out, and dinners I ditched out on.  My life has revolved around my ovulation cycle and my focus has been on producing healthy eggs so drinking has been mostly out of the question.  I have found that if a person of my age is seen not drinking it is assumed you must be pregnant, which often leads to questions that I wasn't ready to answer,so I would just avoid the whole situation.  I am sorry to the friends that have had children that I haven't seen much of.  I know it's dumb, but there are days that It's too hard to see you with your children.  I am definitely envious and please know that I love you both, or all of you.  I will always be happy for you, but there are days that I am simultaneously sad for me.  For the friends that I haven't check in with or visited. I am sorry.  Your life and the things you have going on are very important to me, but I have definitely been a little self involved.  My life is a series of 2 week waits, I live off of a medication/testing/procedure calendar on my fridge  and I haven't made time for much else. I hope to do better.

Now, the much more fun and deserved thank yous.

To all of my Friends and Family. 

Thank you for your love and support that you have always shown us. For those we have shared with thank you for guarding our secret. This was our story to share when we were ready.   To all of you, thank you for your friendships.  We would not get through this journey without the fun, laughter and happy memories, that you provide us on a daily basis. For those that were unaware, thank you also for your understanding.  Again, it wasn't that we didn't trust you with this, it was just a harder story to tell.  

To my Husband

Wow I need more than a paragraph for this one, but I'll try to keep it short.  Thank you for your love and your strength. Both have been called upon countless times.  Thank you for dealing with me and my crazy hormones and for sticking needles in me as gently as possible.  You must not have heard that part during our vows.  "Do you Austin, promise to inject your wife with untold amounts of female hormones?"   Well you may not have had to say "I do", but you have done this for us and I am grateful. 

To all of the Infertility Bloggers
Thank you for being courageous enough to share your story with the world/ a bunch of strangers.  Know that there are a ton of other women going through a similar struggle that have found hope, laughter and strength in your words.  I can only hope that my blog is able to do for others what yours have done for me. 

To GOD
Whoa... where do you even go with that heading? Who writes a thank you to the big guy? This girl!  Thank you for restoring my faith month after month.  For giving Austin and I strength to see ourselves down this path.  We take comfort in knowing we are not alone on this journey and that there is a greater plan revealing itself. Thank you for listening to countless prayers from us and on our behalf. Thank you in advance for the forgiveness I will asking for and hopefully be granted for some of my foul language posts. I will try to keep things clean. 

I-V-Mother-F'n-F

Earmuffs grandma and Papa... I am on a roll and a rant.

The medical world should just rename it... it's what we are all thinking when it's recommended to us.  At the very least it might give the poor souls that have to hear the words In vitro fertilization spoken aloud to them a good giggle or two. (It would also play Ursula from little mermaid wailing in the background about poor unfortunate souls )

I could have definitely used some sort of comic relief or buffer when those three little letters were dropped on me. It really felt like the proverbial dropping of a bomb.. I... (Kaboom!)... V.... (POW!)  F... Pssshhhooowww! (That's how you spell the bomb noise you make with your mouth... you know, the throaty spitty one.)

My freak out is now over. Thank you Jesus! (No really thank you.. I thank you, my husband thanks you, everyone that got a weepy phone call thanks you, but we will get to you later)

To get everyone back up to speed.  We had another negative test day last week, followed by a phone call with my nurse team requesting we come in to talk about next steps which is the most aggressive treatment available to us, IVF. I had what I would call a teeny meltdown. (I think Austin might use a different adjective.)

I cried... a lot.  All I knew about IVF is that it is a big dang deal, it's expensive and involves even more injections.  I don't think that process was the part that was scary (Yes I flipping hate shots and I know with this there will be a whole lot more coming)  it's the fact that we have to do it.  It's knowing and living the fact that I can't conceive easily period... that is scary. It sounds like I'm a spoiled brat that wants a baby handed to me on a silver platter. Not what I am saying.  I know that good things come to those that wait, and nothing good wasn't difficult to achieve.  I can do difficult, but the journey of infertility treatment isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy.  It is a roller coaster of medications, hormones and emotions and has been mostly heartbreaking for us so far. It is an extreme test of your faith and how much you believe that this really truly is a part of your life plan and not just some cruel coincidence.

I knew this day could come and that the IVF conversation could happen, I just didn't ever think that it would.  I thought I would be like my mom, a few rounds of Chlomid and hello baby bump... not the case, but every month you hang onto hope. Hope that the test will be positive, hope that your lives are forever changing for the better. Hope that you can start pinning all of those cute nursery posts on Pinterest.

 Unfortunately month after month our hope hits a brick wall doing about a million mph. (I know that they don't make cars or anything that fast, but I am trying to explain how those days feel)  I will say that I can be a little crazy with my descriptions but on this one I am not being overly dramatic.  It has been two years  24 months of  never ending negative tests (That's not even counting the blood tests). Test days are no longer fun, I don't lie awake anxiously awaiting my morning pee like a child on Christmas, but I do lie awake... absolutely terrified...and yet still a teensy bit hopeful. (Crazy I know, but without hope and faith, we would not make it through all of this)

Moving along,  Austin joined me for a 2 hour doctor appointment during which we learned all about the IVF process.   Still a little freaked out but feeling much more informed. Our odds go way up if we move forward with this.  I was disappointed to find out that our Clinic only does 5 cycles per year of IVF so we have to wait until January to begin.

We were given the option to take two months off to prepare ourselves and my poor over medicated body. (You have to have at least the month prior to IVF off to be sure you don't develop a cyst from the fertility meds I already take)  Umm... breaks? Have you met my husband and I?  We asked if we could try one more time and still qualify for IVF if unsuccessful and we were given the A-OK to move forward.

We are calling this our Hail Mary Cycle.  It is our one last attempt to avoid the big scary IVF, but either way I am hopeful.  I am taking some new meds (injections.. of course it had to include more needles) and trying to live as healthily as possible to see if that helps.  If it doesn't we move forward as planned in January. IVF has a much higher success rate and based on everything our physicians have found so far this should be the thing that works.  No more crossing of anything for luck... This time it's all about faith. Faith in a God that knows more than us and will continue to guide us through this crazy journey.

Thank You Grandma and Papa Cassel

Grandma & Papa... I tricked you... this isn't really a post about you.. I am sure that will come later.  I have about a million bazillion things I could thank you guys for, but today I want to focus on one specifically. THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME MY MOM. (I am sure this wasn't intentionally done as a future gift for me your not yet dreamed of granddaughter, but I feel blessed none the less.)

Thankfully every year we get a WHOLE DAY to celebrate the wonderful human being that the two of you brought into the world.  She is funny, smart, kind and considerate. She is loving, giving and forgiving. (Lord knows sisters and I have tested each of these characteristics, but without fail, she holds true to the person she is.)

Thank you Grandma and Papa for making me a mom that I can look up to and aspire to be like. Thank you for raising a person that that I can laugh with and be truly myself with. ( I am sure some of this is just momly duties, as it would be super rude of her to judge me, the person she made... but, she I have never felt that I wasn't fully accepted and loved by her)


 You have made her understanding and compassionate.  I can't count the number of phone calls she has gotten from me crying my eyeballs out... and she still answers my calls.

You gave her beauty and strength, wit and sarcasm (you could have maybe held back a little on those two :) j/k) You made her an all around joy of a person to be near.  Her laughter and love alike are contagious.

Thank you Grandma and Papa for making the woman that made me... so I guess I could thank you for making me... which maybe you should thank me for being made because I am pretty remarkable or maybe my birth was mom's thank you to you for making her so great... who knows.. but maybe :)

Mom, 

Thank you for the struggles you went through to have me. (Perhaps it takes fertility treatments to make extra cool babies... that would explain my awesomeness!) Thank you for the love you have given myself and sister's whether or not we were deserving.  Thank you for raising us...period. Lord knows that took some work. Thank you for being the insanely wonderful woman that you are. I hope the world sees a little bit of you in each of us.  Love you to the moon and back and back again! Happy Birthday!

Aub

1,051,200 Minutes

That is how long i have been married... C-R-A-Z-Y! It feels as though time hasn't just flown... but that it has teleported us into 2014. I could sometimes swear I took that life changing walk down the isle last week.

The past two years have held so much for us.  We have been through countless fertility treatments,  3 new tattoos,  2 dune buggies, the purchase of my RZR (and taught me how to safely operate it), bought land, been robbed, poured a patio, gone on vacations, built a fence, work trips, purchased a new couch (partly because we wanted one, but mostly because Lou ate the old one), celebrated marriages, birthdays and the lives of lost loved ones, met our new niece... the list goes on and on and on.

It is so incredibly easy to get caught up in the black hole of fertility treatment. (We live in it every single day) It can be and more often than not, all consuming, but when I look at the bigger picture and what has happened over the course of the past two years I see so much more than hormones and injections.  I see love and laughter, courage and perseverance, I see all of the good, great and wonderful things that have happened in our lives.

Two years in; our marriage is stronger than ever and I still feel beyond blessed to be married to a man that I am head over heels in love with and I know loves me right back.  He is my heart.  I found a great quote on pinterest from Barbera De Angelis, "Marriage isn't a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It is something you do. It's the way you love your partner everyday"  Just awesome and how true!  Here's to many more days of loving each other. Happy Anniversary to us.

Mary Poppins and Kitty Cats

Well onto the next one.  We are trying a second month using the same dosage of medications and treatment plan.  One minor..ish change.  I no longer need a glass of water to take my estrogen. No, that doesn't mean I quit taking it, it just means that it goes somewhere else.  The ladies at the clinic said you can sometimes get better results this way and I told them.. what the hell, I'll give anything a shot. My nether region is becoming much like  Mary Poppin's bag with all sorts of stuff in there.  I joke, I joke, I kid, I kid.... but seriously... how many more things need to go up my hoo ha?

I know.. TMI! (Grandma and Papa... that means Too Much Information :) just in case you didn't know... love you!)  Back to business. Guess what folks... this is fertility treatment. The good, the bad, the ugly and plain weird. At this stage in the game,  I am way beyond being uncomfortable or embarrassed.  Modesty is not a luxury afforded to women in my position.  Now I just want to document the facts. Maybe someday some woman going through this same thing will read my post and feel better prepared for this journey, not quite so surprised by the process and potential treatments, or maybe I just really wanted to gross you out.  Either way  this post will probably be a win win :)

Treatment this month:
Prenatal Vitamin: daily
Femara; 3.5 mg day 3-7
Estrodial: 2 mg day 7- whenever I text and possibly beyond
Gonal Injections: .75 day 5 and day 7
Sonogram: day 12
Ovidrel Injection: Day 12
IUI: Day 14
Progesterone: Day 15- whenever I test again

I am already two weeks in the sono revealed two very large follies. Nurses had me trigger Friday and we had our 4th IUI on Sunday morning.  Now we enter or bagillionth two week wait. ( I know that isn't a number or a word and I don't give a crap. This feels like f-o-r-e-v-e-r ... so I think i have earned the right to make up number words)

No photos from this months IUI.. I totally forgot. So I decided to share a different kind of photo. I also believe that after all I have been through I am allowed to share pictures like this... without fear of retaliation.. sorry Kylee but your uni brow cat face makes me laugh... hard :) when I am having a bad day I just look at it and things get better.  How could I deny the world the same happiness. (I will also know pretty quickly if you have been staying on top of your reading hehehe )

I Didn't Cry

Nope... I didn't.  I saw that single line... yet again and I didn't cry. Sure my eyes welled up and it was a close one, but not a single tear slipped out.  Mostly because Austin did a crazy dance to distract me, but I sucked it up.

Fast forward 5 hours I am trying to get back out west for lunch and I miss my turn to get onto Kellogg because I forgot that on this street it's on the opposite side, so I have to drive a mile out of the way just to make a U turn to go back that same mile to get back on track... I almost cry.  Clearly justifiably.  Those would have been tears of utter frustration at the poorly developed street locations.

I get to the restaurant and find out I need to kill some time before my mother and sister in laws arrive.  I decide to go get gas.  I try to turn left and car after car after car keep merging into the turn lane blocking me, 10 minutes later I decide to go right... again I almost cry.. today is just a big cruel joke.  The drivers of Wichita are out to get me ( anyone that has ever driven in Wichita knows how terrible the drivers are and have probably cried in traffic before as well ) Again, it would have been totally justifiable.

I pull up to SAMS... finally to get some gas.  The attendant starts walking over. I am thinking, hmm is this a full service station where they pump the gas for you?  I roll down my window and he says, " Ma'am,  I am sorry but its the damnedest thing all of our power is out so you can't get gas here."

I cry.  Big, sad, ugly, crocodile tears and just stare at that poor poor man.  He begins apologizing again, as he should. I clearly needed gas and am now extremely distraught at the thought of driving any further in search of it.

Ok, ok, my almost cries and full out cry had nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I held off feeling sad and sorry for myself.

Note to self and anyone else going through something emotional; Don't feel bad about going all Elsa in the moment.  Let that shit go!  Had I just cried it out in the morning, I wouldn't have had to freak out the gas attendant.

Luckily I was too upset to pay attention to what he looked like  so the next time I get gas there I won't remember who to be embarrassed in front of :)

Also on the up side of things, my latest appointment at the center went really well.  No cysts so onward we go.  Same medicine regimen as last time since things appeared to have gone really well.  Here we go again!

Thirty Plus One

Many of you know Austin did not get a 30th birthday party.  Not because I am a neglectful wife, which is the pity party version he likes to tell, but because he was traveling up until Christmas last year.  That is why we decided to throw a big bash for his 31st. 

Austin's birthday weekend ended up being fantastic despite the fact that he rush ordered new buggy parts and spent every night (into the wee hours of the morning) working on putting it back together, just to have a teensy piece bust while unloading it from the trailer.

We were overwhelmed with the turnout.  50 of our nearest and dearest made the 2.5-4 hour journey to Waynoka Oklahoma to share in one of our favorite things to do.  Some of my girliest gals joined us and camped... in actual tents! Their hubby's should be exceptionally proud.  I took my friend Ashley on her first RZR race. (Mine too driving...eek!) Neither of us screamed we just laughed like crazy people.  I got lost in the Dunes with my gal pal Katy.... yet another bout of giggles.

Both of our families traveled to share in the celebration. (This is another HUGE feat!  My dad hates to leave his poodles... or to travel at all and Austin's dad swore he wouldn't get in another buggy Austin was driving... hehehe)  They Both had a BLAST!  My dad is still talking about it and Austin's Dad introduced us all to a little activity called training...strange but hilarious. Our moms where a dynamic little duo and buzzed around on a 4-wheeler all weekend. 

Again any of you reading this that were able to join us that weekend, from the bottom of our hearts we thank you.  We had such an incredible time, and you were the ones that did that for us.  With everything we are going through it is so nice to have an entire weekend where we don't have to worry or think about what may or may not be going right.  You gave us a weekend an unforgettable weekend of fun and reminded us of all of the support we have.

Austin's big weekend surprise was his gift, which wouldn't have been possible without my dad busting his behind to finish it in time.  Austin got his first shop sign to hang in our dune garage (once we build it)  But more than that, it's a tribute to his green buggy and the work that it took to have it. He named his buggy "By Any Means"  (As in he will work his ass off to be able to partake in this hobby he loves so much )  This is kind of Austin's take on life also.  He works so incredibly hard to provide for us and to allow us to enjoy the things we get to do. 

I guess this has become our Wiechman family motto.  Our someday baby will be a "By Any Means " baby.  We are doing everything in our power to make it happen.  When you have to work really hard for something it just makes it that much more meaningful.

Put Your Boobs Away

If you read my previous post, you know that last week was a little rough and quite the emotional roller coaster.  I forgot to share the other super not fun thing that took place.

Thursday, the day I shot myself up at Target, the day that I was an emotional disaster... remember this?  I had a speaking engagement. I  was scheduled to sit in on a panel at a summit.  A BREAST FEEDING SUMMIT.  

I hadn't thought too hard about this.  It's a summit during which stake holders gather to find ways to increase the number of women breastfeeding.  It's discussing and developing strategies to overcome barriers that impact those that can and/or do breast feed. Barriers like socioeconomic status, access to care and supplies etc.   Not a huge deal. It's a professional summit. 

I enter the building... post crazy morning, self injection and cry fest to find multiple babies strapped to people.  Ok, thank goodness I've cried it all out today. How embarrassing to cry at something like this surrounded by professionals and colleagues. Nope no tears from this gal, actually my emotions seem to have flip flopped.  These babies aren't making me sad  or filling me with a sense of longing... these babies are flat out pissing me off.  Why are you little people at a summit??? I understand that it involves you... sort of in a very round about way, but you can't add to the conversation, you can't do anything about these issues, so why the hell are you here. why don't you take your little bald heads and binkies back home WHERE YOU BELONG?!?!

UGH! ( I know... here comes that crazy train again) At least I am able to keep this inner dialogue to myself. (Clearly I have no beef with babies in general.  I love babies and I desperately want one of my own) It's just today I'm mad at these babies. After being forced to ohhh and ahhh over how cute these little asshole that I don't even know are.. (again, babies take no offense, you are actually quite adorable, I just hate you today.. tomorrow or maybe even an hour later I would probably really like you) we move to our breakouts.  

Finally, now its business time.  I seat myself next to my fellow panelists at the front of the room, we begin taking turns presenting.  I am giving my spiel to the group and I see a BOOB! Yes, that is not a typo.  There in the very front of the group, literally 4 feet away from me is a woman breastfeeding.... WITH NO COVER... do you recall we are at a professional summit?!?  Again, I know this is a summit about breastfeeding but this isn't a breastfeeding party where we all pull our tits out for fun!!! What in the hell is happening here?? I am sooooo unbelievably distracted.  Had she just covered up a tiny bit, had I not seen a flash of nipple, this wouldn't be so uncomfortable... Now not only am I pissed at your baby, I am pissed at YOU, you the breastfeeding, boob baring biatch. (Ok mothers, don't get mad at my rant. I  am a huge advocate and supporter for breastfeeding, I am educated and understand the health benefits for baby and mom, I hope to breastfeed my own child someday)Yes, I am extra emotional, and a little emotionally irrational due to my own circumstances,but fertile or not I DO NOT WANT TO BE FLASHED AT A SUMMIT!!! They make cute covers for this, hell use a burp cloth or a receiving blanket or the sweater you have on, but KEEP YOUR BOOBS TO YOURSELF!!! Please and thank you :) 

T-H-R-E-E

This Wednesday I had my second monthly sonogram to check on the development of my follies.  I was surprised when my sono tech/ nurse gave a little celebratory woo hoo... (you would think this would be wierd... a wand up your hoo ha and the person on the other end of it saying woo hoo...) Not that a sono is super fun and deserves that kind of reaction often, but this one did.  I was told my lining looked... drum roll please... beautiful. (Why thank you!)  and that I have three follicles... THREE FOLLICLES!!!! I have never had more than one.  (There have been a few times that I have had one dominant and one close to the right size... but never more than one large one)  This time I have two that are the same size and one right behind.  This means more eggs and a better chance that one will take!  Ok, I'm joining my nurses celebration... WOO HOO!

We finally have figured out what the perfect combination of drugs is for me. My monthly cocktail was as follows:

Cycle Days 3-7:
Femara;  7.5 mg(That is 3 pills which is the most I have ever taken)
Cycle Day 2 & 4:
Gonal Injections:  (They moved each up a day)
Cycle Day 5-Test day:
Estrogen (yay more hormones!)

After this regimen, I had my super awesome sono and saw my 3 large follies.  I was instructed to take my Ovidrel injection that night.  I go to the fridge to retrieve the shot that evening and it is GONE!  I mean nowhere to be seen. I tear the fridge apart... nothing, nothing... NOTHING! WHERE THE HELL IS IT???  Now I am panicked and crying hysterically.  Think, think think Aubrey. I would never throw that away never.. right?  Ok, I did clean out the fridge this week, but no way would I have tossed something so important.  Out to the dumpster I go and I dig. Now I stink, I have garbage on me and I'm crying.  I am also  mad super pissed off.  I kick the step. (Our steps are cement... dumb dumb dumb) My toenail cracks... now I am crying harder because my toe hurts.  In an absolute panic I phone the doctor on call.  I know this is not an emergency and he probably doesn't carry around ovulation inducing medications in his pocket, but I had to do something. It was a good decision.  He was able to bring me back from the land of crazy, assure me that based on the size of my follicles tomorrow would be an ok day to take the shot.  Thank you doctor I foget your name, but I think you just saved my sanity... for now.

The next day I begin calling the center the second I know they open and they left their answering machine on!  I feel my stress level going up. I start driving their direction, calling all the while.  Answering machine over and over! COME ON I KNOW YOU ARE OPEN!! (I feel the crazy train quickly approaching again) I get to the center and get into the office, see my nurse and start crying immediately.  They are so incredibly sweet and help calm me down.  She finds another injection at Target and assures me that today is an ok day to take it. Off I go in search of my new Ovidrel shot.

I get to Target pay for my shot,which was THREE times it's normal cost! Ack... I about threw up, but this is my only chance to fix this this month... and I'll be damned if I voluntarily blow a month off. I buy it and go outside.  I was instructed to inject it immediately. "Hello Target shoppers! Don't mind me shooting up in the parking lot!"  This is the first time I had administered this shot to myself.  My other one is more like an Epi pen. Little needle push button. Easy peasy...ish...  This one is a big ole honking needle with a syringe. You know I meant business when I didn't have the slightest problem doing it.  I think I was running on pure adrenaline.

So... shot went in.  IUI was still scheduled for last Friday. All went well and now starts yet another 2 week wait.

Meds added to my list:
Daily progesterone post IUI

I just noticed there seems to be a 3 theme going on for us.  3 Femara pills, 3 follicles (which could mean 3 eggs), 3x the cost of the Ovidrel (Which was in the $300 range) and this is our 3rd IUI which took place 3 days before Austin's 31st birthday (ok that last one isn't technically a 3, but there is a 3 involved) .  hmmm... :)

Ding Dong the Cyst is Dead!

YES! FINALLY! Something has gone our way.  We can say sayonara to that big old cyst that put a kink into last months treatment.

Very excited to be moving forward.  Although this month they are trying to increase my meds, and push the timeline on my injections up to get a few more follies out of me.  Sono next week to see how all of this worked.  Will keep you posted!

Sometimes Facebook Is Insightful

I think I might still pray for both :)

I May be a Crazy Cry Baby but....

I am also a badass.  I catch mice, I take down monster spider webs with freakishly huge spiders on them, I sweep up toad poop (Yes they poop and they poop big...I know not so bad ass but sooo gross and someone has to do it), I landscape and my newest accomplishment..... I paint houses or at least my house... :)

Let me tell you, this was no easy feat.  I am apparently a teensy bit afraid of heights. (Add that to the list... bugs with sticky legs i.e crickets & June bugs and coyotes. Yes, these are totally irrational fears, I know)

We only have an 8' ladder and as you can see our house is a little taller than that.  It took me standing on the next to top rung clinging to the roof for dear life to complete this task.  Let me tell you, if ever there was a recipe for disaster.... Me + a ladder + a paint bucket.

Luckily the house is done and there are only a few tiny paint splatters on the driveway. (Sorry Austin, I bought a drop cloth... shit happens)

Cry me a River...

I will do you one better Justin Timberlake... I will cry you a whole damn lake! I can finally write this post without continuing to cry. Yesterday was rough and it has definitely been a tearful week, but I think it is out of my system... for now.

I absolutely hate crying. I hate everything about crying. It ruins your makeup, it makes your eyes puffy and red (especially my baby blues... I can't hide anything!), it gives you a headache, it makes you sleepy and it makes me feel weak. (Trust me this is still one of my prettier cries)

Yes I know, I totally took a picture... which is sort of weird... sad selfie.. not so cute, but its real.  This journey is rough and it's overwhelming most of the time.  I want to remember this struggle someday... I want my future child to know just how wished for he/she/they was/were. I also hope to be brave enough to share my story more publicly to let others going through similar struggles know how they feel is completely normal and ok and not to let anyone tell them otherwise. This stuff is hard and it's horribly, terribly, awfully sad at times. You are completely at the mercy of God and the  universe. There is nothing you can do and it makes you feel beyond vulnerable and helpless.

I really pride myself in the way I am handling everything which is for the most part well or as well as one can. (I know I'm not perfect at it, and I know my emotions have gotten the best of me some, but how couldn't they?)  I write my cutesy blog posts and I make light of things and try to be funny, but there is definitely a very ugly side to infertility.

It can make you sad, angry, bitter, envious, hateful, hopeless and depressed at times.  I hate even admitting that, because none of those are characteristics or feelings I want to have or want others to see in me.  I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone in those feelings and that they are completely normal for someone in my situation.  If you read other blogs with similar struggles or talk to women that have been through this you will hear similar stories.  It's just hard to convey what I am feeling at any given moment to others.  So many things trigger my unflattering array emotions.

Yesterday I took my thirtieth something pregnancy test and got my thirtieth something single line indicating yet another month that I won't be becoming a mom.  It's heartbreaking.  People say don't worry.. but how realistic is that? My life is a series of two week waits.  Two weeks of fertility meds, sonos, and injections. Follow by two more weeks of hormones and waiting.  I live every day with the fact that I have some mysterious medical issue... I don't ovulate on my own for some stupid reason.  All the well wishing, positive thinking warm and fuzzies in the world won't make that go away.  I am on this path, I have accepted it, and I try to make the best of it, but it is super easy to be caught off guard.

A pregnancy announcement on facebook, a big pregnant belly at the grocery store, holding a niece... all of those things can make me feel super happy, but depending on the day they can just as easily make me sad. You can't stop your head from wondering.. are these things I will experience someday for myself? Is it just not in the cards for me? (an EXTREMELY depressing thought and scenario to even toy with so I DO NOT allow myself to venture too far down that path)  Keeping your faith is extremely difficult.  I believe in God I believe in his plans for me, but sometimes those plans suck.  Right now, this path sucks.  I don't know how many more single lined sticks I can look at.  It's horribly depressing, but I am not a quitter and we are so new to the clinic (Rational hat on...this is only my 3rd cycle of treatment there and only one went sort of ok and it didn't include any injections)  Fingers, eyeballs and toes crossed that my cyst is gone and we get to move forward. Prayers for strength, faith and positivity are much appreciated.

Sometimes you need a little reminder....

I am Cray Cray

Oh nooooo! It's happening again... these hormones and lack of sleep do nothing for my sanity (or what's left of it...) The flood gates have opened and I am crying... at work and I don't even really know why. Ugh! I feel like such a weirdo! I am sure I look it as well. Even when I gain my composure my blue eyes don't hide anything! They are scary bright red. These, thankfully few and far between instances of uncontrollable tear ducts can still make office life super uncomfortable...

Casual convos in passing in the halls; (Post weirdly uncontrollaby no reason cry fest)

Chamber staff person: "Hey! How are you?"
Me: Staring at my toes.  "I am good, thank you!"  ( In my head... walk fast don't give her time to talk more... please stop talking, please stop talking please stop talking....  not giving eye contact is sooo rude, but you don't want me to look... please don't ask me anything else..."
Chamber staff person:  " What did you do this weekend?"
Me: (In my mind "UGH! NOOO! Keep looking at your feet.) " Oh lots. It was pretty busy" (Crap... I have to ask how hers was and I have to stop staring at my toes... I am seeming soooo rude... ok here ya go!)  I look up... My bright red eyeballs on full display. I smile extra big to maybe counteract the sad with happy, but I just look super scary I'm sure.  " How was yours?"
Chamber Staff : "Oh it was great,gotta run!"

Great I am freaking people out, myself included. Come on Wiechman pull it together. Nothing sad has happpend today. Maybe it was all the Zoobilee bellies and I am just now thinking about them, maybe it's the fact I had to go home because I forgot my vaginal progesterone stick, (Something most people don't need in their pursers or vagina's), maybe it's all the baby photos on facebook, maybe it's the fact that another pregnancy test is coming up and that single line is looming over my head, or maybe it's just that I'm a tiny bit cray cray. 

I just received the following story in an email from one of my very dear friends:

"I had a dream last Spring that I met my future child.  She was an adorable blond baby girl, and she told me that she lives in heaven right now and she took a lot of time looking at different mommies before she picked me as her future mommy because she knows that we will need each other.  She also said that she chose me because of my little sister, because she will need her too.  I don’t know what this means, but to me it saws that there is a lot of thought that goes into choosing the right babies for the right future mommies, and your baby just isn’t ready yet.  He or she might still be in heaven getting to know all the family up there before they head down here to earth to meet you and Austin. " 

Crap... I am crying all over again.  This email couldn't have come at a better time though.  I know you all probably get sick of hearing how fortunate and blessed I am. ( Which totally contradicts my posts  in which I throw myself pity parties for all of my fertility struggles ) but damn it, I am.  I have wonderful friends in my life that know just what to say at just the right time.  It's so easy to forget that there is a bigger picture to our lives and a greater plan in the making for each of us. Today I am thankful for friends and their friendly reminders.

No News is No News

Ack... I have been on a blogging hiatus!  I don't have much to report at this point.  I am in yet ANOTHER two week wait.  Weird things have happened during this one too.  I guess weird things happen every time so perhaps I should begin calling them normal things since I haven't had one cycle that has seemed to go "to plan".   I have had some abnormal spotting, bleeding, stuff (things that I won't go into great detail describing to save you any sort of mental image that may scar you forever) happening.   After a call with the nurse these sound consist ant with the rupture of the "mystery growth", which most likely means it was a cyst.  As always... only time can tell.  Damn you time!

I have been fortunate to have at least been kept pretty busy this month.  We poured our PATIO!  Which is incredible.  The weather has been perfect for spending lots of time hanging out relaxing on it. (Relaxing is definitely something I could do more of!)


I also had Zoobilee this weekend.  (It's a huge fundraiser for the Wichita Zoo.  I volunteer on the silent auction committee and help with set up)  It's a ton of fun and the weather and the company I had couldn't have been more perfect.  ( Well Austin getting to go would have made it better, but other than that it was fab!)  I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many amazing people.  My friends are the best and can always distract me from life's not so fun happenings.

Next on the agenda... projects!  I have siding and a living room to paint! Will post pictures of the progress! 

Monsters

"Whoa! what have we here.... "

Not really the reaction you want your sono tech to have when viewing your insides.... ( I guess she really started with, "your uterine lining looks beautiful".... why thank you.)

"You seem to have one monster follicle...maybe".... sure as shit. There it is a ginormous black hole on the screen. So what exactly does this mean? Hell if anyone knows. It could be a follicle it could be a big ole cyst. It's technically developed too fast and is too large to be either, but it has to be one or the other.  Thank you body for yet another medical mystery!

My blood work didn't reveal any additional information so everything is completely up in the air. However, the mystery blob living on my ovary is big enough that if it is indeed a follicle we don't have time to trigger and/or inseminate. She would be releasing or preparing to release an egg now. (Yes, I give things a gender, he or she based on what I think.  I imagine a big old follicle or cyst as a she.. one big old bad "b" taking up all the hormones, running the "block" or in this case "ovary") (

What do we do about all of this? Nothing... ugh! We wait! AGAIN!

If we don't get pregnant this month, we take another sono to see if that bad beast shrunk. If she didn't, we have to take a month off.  I will definitely be calling her the "b" word if she doesn't disappear.  I can't imagine taking another month off.

Lucky me she isn't the only monster in my life right now.  We have MONSTER spiders all over our car port making MONSTER webs. Yuck.

We also have our 2nd MONSTER toad living in our garage. (I put the first one outside.  I thought maybe he was lost and I wanted to save him)  Apparently MONSTER toads make MONSTER poops. Which is incredibly disgusting.  Google it... seriously it can be pretty big....

Pricks

I have encountered many of these... both the kind that Merriam Webster describes as well as those detailed in the Urban dictionary. Two very different things, and both equally as awful.

As of late I have had more issues with the Merriam Webster kind.  (def. make a small hole in something with a sharp point)

I have had blood draws again and my little veins continue to fail me.  I always get stuck in both arms.  The worst is when they manuver the needle around under the skin trying to find the vein. Yuckity yuck! "Just take the darn thing out and poke me again. It hurts less! I promise! "

I also am doing the Gonal-F shots again. (These are FSH hormone injections that help the ovaries create eggs.)  So far Austin has been able to give me all of my shots. Soemthing about poking myself freaks me out.   Well he was dead asleep last night when I got home, so I decided it was time to buck up and teach myself how to do this.  He starts traveling again and injecting myself was in the inevitable future.

Yep... it's definitely hard to intentionally stab yourself with anything.  My experience went a little like this:

Internal pep talk to mentally prepare. Mind over matter, mind over matter... Breath... no really breath... now grab some skin and stick it in... gently... ouch.. pull that crap out, that hurt! ouch, ouch, ouch... dang it.. I suck at this... I'm such a wuss.  This is nothing! Tiny ass needle! I have tattoos! What's wrong with me... stop... breath some more... let's do this! Stick it in... ouch... ok... push the button... viola! Not so bad right???

I really think the next time will be better... maybe.  I have to say it was pretty liberating, which is mighty strange but true.  I am proud that I conquered my ridiculous fear of needles. (Again, yes I have tattoos, but that seems different. I have been terrified of needles since I was little. Ask my mom, I hid from a nurse and I am pretty sure I sat on her lap for a flue shot... when I was 16.)
I am feeling pretty awesome about myself, which is fitting given the sign I painted at my girls night.  This choice was inspired by my adorable neice Emma who's current fav word is awesome.  She asks all the time.. "Was that awesome?" " Am I awesome?" Yes you are awesome you insanely adorable girl! That led to aunt B introducing her to the most awesome song ever..."Everything is Awesome!"    You are welcome Kylee :)

So the next time I am faced with a seemingly difficult I will turn on Emma's new favorite jam, shake my booty, and remember to be awesome!

Fashionably Fertile... or so I Hope

Sometimes things suck.  ( 1. I know I can be so eloquent with my writing.  2.  I am sure any ladies or men for that matter going through fertility treatments or any sort of life altering experience in which they have absolutely no control, can relate to that statement.) Another month of treatment, needle pokes, sonograms and crazy side effects sucks. Paying full price for the first time for all of my medications... yikes! SUCKS!  Another two week wait ending with the taking of a test, praying to see two little lines sucks.  Knowing at some point(s) (the plural is probably more accurate)  I will probably cry for no reason and/or at a  completely inappropriate time because all of the stress I am under and hormones being pumped into me make me a teensy bit cray cray... plus I am not perfect and tend to feel a little sorry for myself every once in awhile... either way...you guessed it; it sucks.

I heard a song on the radio today "He Said' by Group 1 Crew.  Funny how these things always find a way of coming on right when I need to hear them...The lyrics that really stuck out were:

Clinic Couture...

God keeps his promises.  While I feel like I am definitely being bent. (and those who know me know that I am sooo not bendy.... I can barely touch my toes) I won't be broken.  My life (other than this fertility struggle) ROCKS! My family and friends are amazing, my job, coworkers and boss are incredible, my house is adorable.... I really don't have much to complain about.

So what do we do when things are sucky?  We get a little weird.  :) I come from a a long line of weird, which I am extremely thankful for and have married into even more weird! (Trust me all of you I am calling weird I mean it as the most high of compliments.  Oops, I didn't actually call you out... ok... Mom, Kathy, Kylee, Amanda, Ashley and Ayrin. Hell throw in Hurley and Emma, my sweet little nieces. They are next generation weird. :) hehehe! It's officially out there... you are all incredibly strange and I love each of you for it.  You remind me daily not to take myself too seriously. Life is gift and it is meant to be enjoyed. Thank you for the fun and light that you bring into my world :)  I will rock this paper drape for as many months as I have to as Austin and I work to build a family.  You guys make it all a little easier!

Positive Negatives

So today was test day... dun dun dun (insert scary music here). This two week wait seemed to drag on forever!  Unfortunately I was faced with another single line on that stupid little stick. The Negative test...  I always think I am prepared to see it, I plan on seeing it, I am not super surprised when I do, but it never stops sucking.  At least I didn't cry until a little later. Apparently my brain needed time to decide that this was a sad thing.

Onward we go!  When I put on my rational cap :) (which is extremely fashionable... let me tell you)  I can remember that this was our first full cycle at the center and not many people get pregnant their first time.  They are essentially creating the perfect circumstances for it to happen, but it's not a guarantee.  They are just trying to level the playing field so that we have the same chances a couple without fertility issues has, which believe it or not is relatively small. Only 15-25%!  I know, I know we are all wondering that with odds so slim how the hell do all these other people do it? Ok, maybe you don't wonder but I do... some days... when I am feeling crabby about having to be medicated, injected, sonogrammed and stabbed each month. :) Well however these babies happen they really are miracles.  The odds are so slim, but still people are blessed daily with little humans.  God is great and his miracles are many!

So if we are talking odds, like at the black jack table in Vegas (Definitely not the craps table, that one is waaay too iffy, but black jack you always seem to win at least one hand) one would suppose that a few more cycles of creating the perfect scenario for pregnancy would work.  Fingers, toes and eyeballs crossed we only have to do this one more time!

On the positive side of this negative test, my incredible husband surprised me with the second bouquet of flowers he has ever sent me! (The last one was 7 years ago)  He is out of town for work, but wanted to brighten my day. He knows this journey has been wearing on me. Love you hubs!

Check, Check and Check

Still in the middle of the 2 week wait.  I wish there was some way to avoid this insanely slow moving and seemingly never ending time frame every month...  It's two weeks of waiting, wondering, worrying, and watching every little thing that happens to your body in hopes that it is a sign of pregnancy.  What I wouldn't give to wake up vomiting for the next few weeks.:) So gross, but so true!

So you google.. mistake number one, then you try to determine which of and how many of the common pregnancy symptoms you have because maybe if you have some you might be pregnant.... thinking like this is mistake number two.  You would have thought I learned the googling lesson long ago, but it gives me something to do while I wait.

1.) Fatigued/tired- Check! Duh everyday since I graduated college I have felt fatigued and/or tired... maybe because I am a grown up that works all day and then comes home to take care of a house, 2 dogs and a husband, or maybe I am  pregnant?

2.) Bloating/Gas- Check! Maybe it's just because I ate Chipotle last night, but maybe I'm pregnant?

3.) Cramps-  Check! Maybe it's because I can't really tell the difference between cramping and some of my gas issues caused by excessively eating Chipotle, or maybe I'm pregnant?

4.) Backaches- Check!  Maybe my back hurts because I sit in an office chair all day, or because I helped carry crap tons of heavy sod outside, or maybe I'm pregnant?

5.) Vivid Dreams- Check!  Maybe this is a hereditary thing because I here from my mom and sisters daily about wierd ass things that they see while snoozing, or maybe I am pregnant.

So... according to Google I could be pregnant, or I could just be a normal person.  I am pretty sure just about anyone... male, female, young, old and everyone in between could be pregnant on any given day based on these symptoms... Any who I have resolved to accept each day as it comes and to not think to hard about whatever funky-do things my body is up to.  Time will tell all I need to know... I just wish time would hurry the hell up.

Here We Go Again...

One IUI down and no luck.  I wasn't completely surprised.  We knew it was a long shot. I wasnt' on any medications to increase our odds, but you can't help feeling that tiny little ping of disappointment.

It's OK though because we are moving right along.  I began my new regimen.  A higher dosage of Chlomid than I have ever had. (Yes, all of my super fun side effects have returned plus one new one.  This time I am having vision issues. When I wake up everything has a weird "aura" to it.  I don't know how else to describe it.  When I move my hands you see it's path of movement trailing behind it. Super duper trippy!)  Next my super fun injections.  This month I have had 4 total injections given to me by the hubs.  They are intended to stimulate follicle growth and to induce ovulation.  My mid cycle sono revealed that my lining is the thickest it has ever been 10 mm! Whoop Whoop!  I also had 2 follicles that are our most likely contenders this month.  This week I had my second IUI.  Fingers and toes crossed something sticks! I am cautiously and nervously hopeful!

Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots- Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots- Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots...

Nope... these are not the kind that involve Lil'John or LMFAO...unfortunately.  They also aren't for ...EVERYBODY. (Can't help singing the dumb song)  These shots are just for me.. again unfortunately.

This was my first month doing a home injection. Doctor wants to move forward with the trigger shot to induce ovulation followed up with our first (and hopefully only) IUI.

I worked for a plastic surgeon for over a year and prepared needles, syringes, watched hundreds injections administered and minor surgery, still there was no way I could poke myself.  It's fine if I am watching someone else, but it waaayyy freaked me out to do it to myself.  I enlisted the help of my dear husband.  I thought it would be more difficult for him than it was or make him nervous. ( Hey, can't a girl milk some of this stuff for a tiny bit of pity from her hubs every once in awhile.) So not the case. Give your wife a shot in her stomach? No big deal for Mr. Wiechman.

It was the next part of the process he found a little more difficult and strange, which I totally get. The dreaded (Insert suspenseful music here... dun dun dun) IUI (Intrauterine insemination) No one thinks you are going to have a baby in a doctors office. I mean you want to deliver the baby in some sort of medical facility (safety first + meds) , but not actually conceive there... unless they have some weird doctors office fetish? Anyways. This is our life and our reality for now.  There is some sort of issue making this process non typical for us and we are choosing to do what is necessary to become parents. It's not easy, it's not super common (though 1 in 7 couples struggles with infertility), it's not fun or glamorous and it's not a path anyone would choose for themselves, but it's our path and a part of our story.  All we can do is carry on and look for the little blessings that have come from it. (of which there have been many)  Saying I want things in MY TIME and MY WAY, sounds selfish and bratty and is really only acceptable behavior from those under the age of 7. Of course we all would love for life to be that way. I mean, my 3 year old niece (bless her little heart)  wants chocolate milk in her princess cup NOW and it magically appears.  That is definitely the life :)


Well let me tell you. That first positive sign on a pregnancy test will be my magical cup of chocolate milk. As slow and daunting as this process can seem it will probably never be considered our way, but it will be our time someday. Success rates aren't greatly incresed with IUI without the fertility meds, which I did not have prior to this cycle, but my doctor didn't want to wast an opportunity. Now we just get to wait and see. Until then we give thanks for the journey and the lessons it brings!

Thankfulness for the week:

I give thanks to GOD for the physicians and technology that allow us to attempt overcome such obstacles.

 I am thankful for the strength he has provided us to overcome face this insanely huge emotional struggle that is trying to conceive. Every day is different and we are doing our best to live in the moment!

I also give thanks for the extremely awkward photos I have been able to collect along the way. These will surely embarrass the heck out of our future kidddos, but hey! How many people can say, look in that picture I might be getting pregnant :)

Hostile Environments

Back to the doctor I go.  That weird mid-cycle bleeding started yet again. I was a disaster. Crying at work is not my favorite thing. (Thank goodness I have such a wonderful boss) I looked and felt like a hot mess all day.  Yes folks, this was one of my pity party days. You hold it together as long as you can; fearing the worst, hoping for the best, planning on disappointment, but clinging to that itty bitty teensy schmeensy bit of possibility that things may go your way.  Let me just tell you, all of those feelings all at the same time all day every day definitely take their toll on you your sanity.  I am pretty proud I am not a hysterical ball of bitchiness ever very often.

Well back to square one yet again.  I thought maybe this month my body would straighten up and get it's crap together. Not so much.  The plan was to go into the center, do blood work (Which was awful. I got the new girl, which meant she couldn't find my blood in the tiny veins on the arm I told her not to use, because everyone has trouble. Some digging, a few minutes of trying unsuccessfully to distract me with banter and back to the correct arm, they finally had some blood.) The next step was yet another sono. (Lucky me) and then wait for a call.

The results were actually good! All of that crying was for nothing. I am still mid cycle with a big ol' follicle and thick lining.  Next steps trigger shot. (Which I have to give myself. EEK!) Then an IUI on Saturday morning.  Fingers crossed it's just my angry cervix that is holding us back.  The nurse described it as a "potentially hostile environment". He he he... I mean you have to giggle at that. I'm just imagining my cervix is like the Mexico/US border. Guards on duty with AK's.  Austin may be able to out arm wrestle anyone, but his swimmers are no match for my cervix :)

Wishing everyone a happy 4th of July! Here's to hoping we get more than a fireworks show this weekend!

Sorry! I Just Leaked on Your Floor...

No Mexico baby, so we are back on track for the treatment plan determined by my new physician at the Center for Reproduction. Well, I thought we were on track. Apparently we will be getting on track next month. This month we are taking ANOTHER detour.

Detour #1
More diagnostic testing. Oh goody! I went to my PCP for a blood draw. That was an interesting experience. I faxed my orders ahead of time, get there and after waiting am taken back to sit in a chair while they figure out what the they are testing for.  They didn't exactly know what some of the tests even were.  (Ugh that's a little scary) I ask them to just proceed. The Dr. ordered them so I need them regardless of whether or not any of us know what the hell they are. 10 viles of blood later (9 tests + one extra just in case)

Detour #2
Another sono. ( I won't even use a sarcastic goody here. At this point you know my thoughts on these) This one is extra special though! (Now insert the extremely sarcastic, "oh Goody") I get to have saline injected into my uterus to give her a better view of my innards. Lovely. Is it wierd I don't even notice the stirrups anymore?

Yippee!
Sono revealed no issues and my bloodwork was great. I don't have any underlying disorder. Things look great. We still just need some assistance getting things going. The only issue is the irregular ovulation at this point!

Yikes
After the sono I was told, " Go ahead and get dressed. I put some feminine products on the counter to help you clean up".  They left and I stood up to find I was indeed a little leaky. I began to walk to the counter Now begins my inner dialogue... whoa... stop moving... what just happened? WHAT IS THAT? DID I JUST PEE MYSELF? WHY WON'T IT STOP? How did they get that much liquid into my tiny little uterus ? CRAP IT'S ALL OVER THE FLOOR!!! All they have is tissues! HOW DO I CLEAN THIS UP WITH TISSUE???  Crap Crap Crap

NOTE TO PHYSICIANS AND THEIR STAFF...  Don't beat around the bush or sugar coat what is going on. Just tell women. "Hey when you stand up, a waterfall will be exiting your hoo-ha. Don't worry it's totally normal"

When the nurse returned to give me instructions for our next steps. I couldn't focus on anything she was saying.  She was standing in my spot... no, I am not uber territorial. Mine as in marked by me on complete and total accident.

I am just going to chalk this up to yet another pre-pregnancy, pregnancy symptom.  I now know what to expect when my water breaks someday. 

Blankity Blank Blank

Oh I bet  you thought those were meant to be naughty words... perhaps they are, but really I am just talking about the lapse of time between my posts.  Big old blank spaces that were filled with things that I have yet to post.  So, what has happened quickly...

Mexico trip :

 Austin and I had a blast! The resort was gorgeous, the weather was perfect, the wedding was beautiful. Our honeymoon (take 3) definitely worked out. Austin was pretty proud that he had a wife that would actually get into the ocean and swim around. Duh! We paid to go to MEXICO to be by an OCEAN... why would I want to spend all day in the pool... The pool also kind of grossed me out because apparently everyone felt that it was socially acceptable to pee in it even though the bathroom was like 5 feet away. EWWW. That is beyond blankity blank gross! Not enough chlorine in the world to kill that much nastiness.:) The food was wonderful, the company was fantastic, the wedding was gorgeous and we came back with killer tan/sunburns! Hey.. color is color right?

Father's Day:

My sister Amanda secretly traveled home surprising everyone. (except for me. I was in on it the whole time!) We spent the weekend in Salina.  It was so fun to have our whole fam together for an entire weekend. ( This hasn't happened since we were in college and back then at least two of us were feuding, so when it did it wasn't always pleasant. ) It is pretty great to be at a point in our lives where we appreciate each other and truly cherish our precious time together.  The weekend was full of our usual family shenanigans and weirdness.






We golfed... well went to the driving range.  I am sure everyone that came near us was extremely thankful that we were able to help them better their game by really testing their concentration.
Dad cooked up one of his famous fancy suppers.  We saved  3 baby doves... about 3 times a piece. Stay in your blankity blank NEST!!!

It was AWESOME to see Manners.  She rarely makes it home and when she does her time is always divided.  We felt pretty lucky to get to  hog her for 3 whole days :)





Baby Update/Father's Day Cont.: 

So this was our month... our non medicated... something is brewing in my uterus month to relax to see if things would just happen. I tried not to let myself get too excited, but it just worked out that I was supposed to test on Father's day... Then my crazy brain got away from me. I couldn't help but think about how incredible it would be to tell Austin he would be a dad on Father's day... i couldn't help but think maybe the universe had aligned itself just right and we would get that special moment that weekend.  Well... sometimes the universe sucks and is a giant blankity blank... this was one of those times, which was not our time.  It is OK though. We will continue forward on this blankity blank journey of ours, because the outcome will be soooo worth it.  :) Plus Austin still had a happy Father's day  :)


PROGRESS!!!:

Hell blankity blank yeah!  Austin is a machine! He is knocking out things left and right!  I am so lucky to have such a handyman incredible husband.  He installed our awesome new backsplash and has laid out the frame for our ... drum roll please.... PATIO!!!! It is going to be huge... in typical Austin fashion. More pics to come!